Thrashing Tantrum Surrender

Fine!
I get it!
Loud and clear,
You great big
Universe, You!
You’ve told me
At great lengths
I listened and heard
But did quite the
Opposite
Over
And over
And over
Again
Impulsively
Compulsively
Defiantly
(With Love, so
Much hope, and un-
Adulterated will!)
I acted
Believing but
Maybe deceiving
Myself
That I know better
Or at least
Desire stronger
That sweet
Breath of fresh air
Even if
Off limits,
Inaccessible
Compared with
The constant
Flow of life
You circulate
Within Us
《Sigh》
You’ve wanted
Undivided
Attention
All along,
Haven’t you?
Ha!
Jealous much?
Oh, fine!
Carry then
This other
Desire of desires
You parade before me
Eternal desire
To be close to
She Who Holds My Heart
Damn it anyway!
Carry it with You then!
This eon-old call
Obviously
I can’t handle it
(At least not well
Or without injury
To self or Another ~)
Not this time
Auuugghh!
Fine.
You win!
I tried
Out of deep Love,
Out of True Love
I’ve grasped and I’ve
Stumbled
Again
But You,
Big, fat
Universe
Triumphed
Yet again,
Didn’t you?
With Your
Big, fat
Other plans
For this life!
The valiant
Fighter within
Will fight no more
Instead
I Surrender
Kicking and thrashing
I finally
Finally
Finally
Surrender
To You

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Uninvited Thoughts

“I’m not staying,”
She said as she
Walked around the room
Gathering up her belongings that she scattered there herself.

“No, I was just passing through
To say hello to you,
But I’m not meant to stay.”

She paused, waiting for a thought to land
And encourage her to continue
On her way out the door.

“It’s always a pleasure,”
And she smiled her uncomfortable smile,
Averting her eyes
To avoid the release of the lies that she told.

“Well, I will keep you no longer.”
And with that she slowly moved swiftly
Through the door
That never invited her in
In the first place.

Woman in the Tree

Chained in past
Was I once
To the tree

Tree of Life
Tree of Love
Tree of Loss

I believed
I was the one
Holding the tree

So tightly held
Two seemed one
Who was I?

I saw myself
As the leaves
Green and new

But they fell
To the ground
Still was I

Perhaps I grew
As the blooms
Scented strong

But the petals
Blew away
Leaving me

The branches!
Then I thought
Myself to be

But ’twas still I
Looking ‘long
Their withered bows

Surely the trunk
Steadfast and wide
Must I be

To weather
Many changes
Around I see

Yet one observes
The solid core
Who am I?

For this time
I have been
Searching deep

Even roots
Disguising
Essence true

Dissolving this
Entire self,
Dream of dreams

I will find
Forsaking earth
Once I dwell

Beyond the leaves
Beyond the blooms
Beyond branches

Beyond the trunk
Beyond the roots
Beyond the earth

To see true
Purpose was
Never to love

Those green leaves
Scented blossoms
Outstretched bows

Substantial trunk
Thirsty roots
Nutritious ground

Rather for all
To dissolve
In the All

 

Open Wide to Love

Open Wide to Love

I am open wide for Love My eyes see it coming My mouth waters open My heart breathes it in I am open wide for Love! My arms outstretched To receive its warmth And satisfying goodness! I am open wide … Continue reading

Blowing Lonely Away

Blowing Lonely Away

Are You blowing in the wind, my Darling? Are You carefree and open to the sun? Are You breathing the fresh air of spring, Giving You new life to start again? Are You giving new hope to your heart, Filled … Continue reading

~ When Love First Encountered Us ~

You are away
But my Love keeps flowing
In Your silence
My desire keeps growing

Have I lost my Love
Soul forever?
Or only for the time
It takes

To postpone what
Should flourish?
Should I fear?
Should I cry?

Shall I ignore
The inner promptings?
Within is a sensible
Self that knows

You
With trust of
One thousand lifetimes!
I am Yours

Eternally
Then, Now, Later
But Now would be
A refreshing drink

Of water from the
Universe where Love
First encountered Us
Assigning the burden

We carry now
Too heavy for even
Two Hearts who Love
This much

Reaching Out for You

Reaching Out for You

I reach out for You As this branch reaches for a reflection of its kin I reach out for you And have the success that sticks have holding water I reach out for You And am reminded of how quickly hope, like illusion, … Continue reading

A Different Kind of Post

I’m taking this evening to share a bit differently here. It’s been a long time since I actually wrote something besides emoting through poems. I’ve been saving random writing for my other blog. There’s a poem coming out here in the morning–maybe you saw it before this one. This is a bit of the back story on it. I do have other poems scheduled this week, based on some photos I took today at our nearby pond–one where She and I spent some moments. They are coming.

I adore this Woman I have dedicated this blog to. I can only get Her out of my mind for short periods at a time. One of my favorite bloggers, Evelyn of MabelandEvelyn (I love them both), wrote a post one night out of her own frustration, then must have deleted it fairly quickly, since I couldn’t find it again shortly thereafter. I still read it four times before it was gone. It spoke to me about having courage to make moves in life that matter; to have courage to make choices in the face of other people’s opinions and feelings–as well as our own desire to not hurt others, even if it means giving up a part of ourselves. Sometimes, for love, we have to do all of the above. Hurt others, not on purpose, but because we have to let ourselves out of the box we’ve been suffocating in for far too long.

Have you experienced a love like this before? One so encompassing, no external circumstances seem to matter? I’m sure if my She were God, I’d be enlightened by now, I think of Her and adore Her so much.

The last day I saw my Her in person was April 6, 2012. (I have an anniversary poem already scheduled to be posted in the morning.) It was Her last day in the U.S. after our Week of Heaven together a few weeks earlier. She had spent the rest of the time with Her family who live near me. We were going to spend a nice, innocent day at the botanic gardens taking photos before I took Her to the airport. We had already agreed–well, She had graciously understood (again)–that I couldn’t be with Her anymore because of my family and the superhuman guilt that I carried. She was distant from me, understandably, the night before and I hated it, even if She was right to be, and trying to help me. Because that is how wonderful She is.

I had been crying all morning, having to hide it from my husband and children. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house to pick Her up. But my crying wouldn’t stop, and it wasn’t in my control. It came in bursts, I would breathe, calm myself, then it would start all over again. I didn’t want Her to see me crying. I wanted to be strong for Our last day together. I sat in Her room as She packed the last of Her things. The moment She finished and turned to me, I was already crying, silently so She wouldn’t see me. But She did.

She rushed to me and held me so tight as I cried and cried and cried on Her shoulder. I said to Her these words that are the truest words I have ever spoken, “I don’t know how to love anyone as much as I love You.

She hugged me tighter and apologized for being so distant the night before. No need to apologize, of course; I understood. We didn’t know how to be with this shared love that is so strong, how to be friends after having been lovers. Then She kissed one of my eyes to comfort me. Then the other. And I knew it was over. We spent the next six hours before Her flight kissing and holding each other. It was the most divine day of my life.

Two years later, here We are, still figuring out how to be friends after having been lovers. Still sharing, still loving, and working hard to be okay with love as it is. We have tried everything else, short of me divorcing my spouse and leaving my children–which hasn’t been a viable option, even if a desired one many times over.

When I made that statement to Her, that I didn’t know how to love anyone as much as I love Her, I felt this insight. It wasn’t words, just a feeling of using my deep, patient, kind, joyful love for Her as a measuring stick for loving others. Am I loving others as deeply as I love Her? Am I being as patient and kind? As present with them as I am so easily with Her? Am I allowing that joy to be with the love I give? It’s a tough lesson, a serious practice, and mine to do.

I can’t be everything to everyone. I wish I could. I wish I could do what is mine to do here, and be with Her, too. I wish being with Her was my only option. For reasons too many to explain here, it’s not. And it hurts. It would hurt to leave, and it hurts to stay and be away from Her.

I want to learn to experience the Love that I feel with Her with each person as much as I can. Nothing will be what I have with Her. But I want to experience that Love as Love for all, starting with my family. I want to cherish every minute with them. And with that great Love, I want to also Love and honor mySelf.

Thanks for reading and allowing me the space for this release.

Rising Higher Than Familiar

The Universe drips down through me

Its powerful downward motion

Will lift me into Itself and

Silence the part of me that

Will miss the ground!

Calling not with words but

Simple relief, It beckons me:

“Lift up your eyes! Raise your chin!

Breathe your life through Me!

Leave behind what’s familiar;

Take a chance with what you can learn!

You are good at what you know,

It’s what you don’t that I want to show

You, my child!”