Blowing Lonely Away

Blowing Lonely Away

Are You blowing in the wind, my Darling? Are You carefree and open to the sun? Are You breathing the fresh air of spring, Giving You new life to start again? Are You giving new hope to your heart, Filled … Continue reading

~ When Love First Encountered Us ~

You are away
But my Love keeps flowing
In Your silence
My desire keeps growing

Have I lost my Love
Soul forever?
Or only for the time
It takes

To postpone what
Should flourish?
Should I fear?
Should I cry?

Shall I ignore
The inner promptings?
Within is a sensible
Self that knows

You
With trust of
One thousand lifetimes!
I am Yours

Eternally
Then, Now, Later
But Now would be
A refreshing drink

Of water from the
Universe where Love
First encountered Us
Assigning the burden

We carry now
Too heavy for even
Two Hearts who Love
This much

Cougarlicious ~

What are You up to,
My sleek little Cougar
Slinking around
Watching me?

I see You with Your Eyes
On me, licking Your teeth
Are You hungry for me?
Do you intend to devour me?

Would You like to play?
To romp in the sun
Or laugh at the wind
As We intertwine?

Or will You hide again
In Your forest,
Valley, mountain
Or cave?

I catch Your scent
As easily as You catch mine
I know You are there
Will You come?

Ah, I will stay still as
You decide on Your own
To pounce!
Or not…

My warm, ferocious Cougar,
I am neither prey nor
Predator
I am simply here for You ~

A Curious Exchange

Mysterious, indeed…

Forbidden Words
Where are you now, my beautiful lady?
My heart is missing yours
My lips miss your face
My eyes are searching for yours
Where are you now?
I have been thinking of you all the day,
Reading your letters and poems.
The notes you sent to me, hidden in a book.
Where are you my Divine Soul?
Where are you now?
I need you, I care for you.
I want you, come and rest in my lap.
Comfort me, holding my hands.
Relax me by hugging me.
Make me have dreams to hold to my future.
Let me give you my best
Just to see you laugh.
Good night my love, have nice dreams.

~ From Her, last night, in response to I Can Nearly See You

 

I am here, missing You so much!
I have felt each thought You’ve had
On my lips, my heart, my soul
How I want to comfort You by
Holding You all night,
Wrapped around You as
Perfectly as it happens for Us
I want to see Your smile–
Oh, that sexy smile of Yours as
You look at me from
The corner of Your eye
Laughing at me just for
Being so in love with You!
Forbidden Tower–yes! ahahaha
Forbidden Words–maybe
Forbidden Love? It can’t be true!
I love You, Beautiful Soul
Sweet dreams of me with You ~

~ From me, in response to Her

Curious, indeed…What is one to think?

Beijos

Olho, olho
Testa
Beijo minhas lágrimas ido
Bochecha, bochecha
Segure-me perto
Nunca diga adeus
Orelha, pescoço
Dedos, mão
Só para ter você perto
Em seus braços
Ao seu lado
Onde eu pertenço
Beije-me aqui
Beijá-lo lá
De mãos dadas
Beijo meus lábios
Ver-me sorrir
Beije-me mais
Seis horas
Mais tarde é
Hora de ir
Devemos separar?
Segure meu coração
Todo o caminho para casa
Sempre lá
Eternamente
Dentro de mim
Próxima vida
Alma Minha
Com Você eu serei ~

(Feliz aniversário, Amada Minha! Um outro dia especial — Seis horas de beijar! Shhhhh …)(Veja também abaixo da imagem…)

(Borboleta Minha, eu escrevi esse poema e agendado antes do meu insanidade temporária veio em cima de mim. Entendi não levá-lo para baixo, na esperança de que é agradávela com você. LUSM ~)

(English translation)

A Different Kind of Post

I’m taking this evening to share a bit differently here. It’s been a long time since I actually wrote something besides emoting through poems. I’ve been saving random writing for my other blog. There’s a poem coming out here in the morning–maybe you saw it before this one. This is a bit of the back story on it. I do have other poems scheduled this week, based on some photos I took today at our nearby pond–one where She and I spent some moments. They are coming.

I adore this Woman I have dedicated this blog to. I can only get Her out of my mind for short periods at a time. One of my favorite bloggers, Evelyn of MabelandEvelyn (I love them both), wrote a post one night out of her own frustration, then must have deleted it fairly quickly, since I couldn’t find it again shortly thereafter. I still read it four times before it was gone. It spoke to me about having courage to make moves in life that matter; to have courage to make choices in the face of other people’s opinions and feelings–as well as our own desire to not hurt others, even if it means giving up a part of ourselves. Sometimes, for love, we have to do all of the above. Hurt others, not on purpose, but because we have to let ourselves out of the box we’ve been suffocating in for far too long.

Have you experienced a love like this before? One so encompassing, no external circumstances seem to matter? I’m sure if my She were God, I’d be enlightened by now, I think of Her and adore Her so much.

The last day I saw my Her in person was April 6, 2012. (I have an anniversary poem already scheduled to be posted in the morning.) It was Her last day in the U.S. after our Week of Heaven together a few weeks earlier. She had spent the rest of the time with Her family who live near me. We were going to spend a nice, innocent day at the botanic gardens taking photos before I took Her to the airport. We had already agreed–well, She had graciously understood (again)–that I couldn’t be with Her anymore because of my family and the superhuman guilt that I carried. She was distant from me, understandably, the night before and I hated it, even if She was right to be, and trying to help me. Because that is how wonderful She is.

I had been crying all morning, having to hide it from my husband and children. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house to pick Her up. But my crying wouldn’t stop, and it wasn’t in my control. It came in bursts, I would breathe, calm myself, then it would start all over again. I didn’t want Her to see me crying. I wanted to be strong for Our last day together. I sat in Her room as She packed the last of Her things. The moment She finished and turned to me, I was already crying, silently so She wouldn’t see me. But She did.

She rushed to me and held me so tight as I cried and cried and cried on Her shoulder. I said to Her these words that are the truest words I have ever spoken, “I don’t know how to love anyone as much as I love You.

She hugged me tighter and apologized for being so distant the night before. No need to apologize, of course; I understood. We didn’t know how to be with this shared love that is so strong, how to be friends after having been lovers. Then She kissed one of my eyes to comfort me. Then the other. And I knew it was over. We spent the next six hours before Her flight kissing and holding each other. It was the most divine day of my life.

Two years later, here We are, still figuring out how to be friends after having been lovers. Still sharing, still loving, and working hard to be okay with love as it is. We have tried everything else, short of me divorcing my spouse and leaving my children–which hasn’t been a viable option, even if a desired one many times over.

When I made that statement to Her, that I didn’t know how to love anyone as much as I love Her, I felt this insight. It wasn’t words, just a feeling of using my deep, patient, kind, joyful love for Her as a measuring stick for loving others. Am I loving others as deeply as I love Her? Am I being as patient and kind? As present with them as I am so easily with Her? Am I allowing that joy to be with the love I give? It’s a tough lesson, a serious practice, and mine to do.

I can’t be everything to everyone. I wish I could. I wish I could do what is mine to do here, and be with Her, too. I wish being with Her was my only option. For reasons too many to explain here, it’s not. And it hurts. It would hurt to leave, and it hurts to stay and be away from Her.

I want to learn to experience the Love that I feel with Her with each person as much as I can. Nothing will be what I have with Her. But I want to experience that Love as Love for all, starting with my family. I want to cherish every minute with them. And with that great Love, I want to also Love and honor mySelf.

Thanks for reading and allowing me the space for this release.

Rising Higher Than Familiar

The Universe drips down through me

Its powerful downward motion

Will lift me into Itself and

Silence the part of me that

Will miss the ground!

Calling not with words but

Simple relief, It beckons me:

“Lift up your eyes! Raise your chin!

Breathe your life through Me!

Leave behind what’s familiar;

Take a chance with what you can learn!

You are good at what you know,

It’s what you don’t that I want to show

You, my child!”

Desperate Measures

Desperate Measures

Please come to me Please! How I miss You Oh, so much! You’ve been gone From me too long! I’m desperate For Your touch! My face needs Your sweet warmth My nose needs Your fresh scent My hands wring Fervently … Continue reading

Beautiful Flower ~

Beautiful Flower ~

Quiet Simple Beautiful She glows with Golden Light She wakes up in The morning And She bustles In the night Soft to touch She waits for Rain to feed Her gentle Face Stretch and bend And up She goes With … Continue reading

A Hiatus from Love Indulgences

Have you ever heard the riddle, “If you have a red dog and a white dog, which one will grow?”

The answer, of course, is, “The one you feed.”

wpid-download.jpg

Well, you see, I created this blog not to lead you on, friendly followers, but only as my own processing space as I tried to release Her, but ended up telling Her about it, then using it to profess my persistent affections for Her, then used it to grieve Her, full circle.

Oi.

And, as fond of you all as I have become–your writing, your comments and compassion, your good hearts and minds–I have to admit to myself that I post here still desiring response from Her. And as long as I have that underlying motive, I am feeding my desire for Her in all, which makes it quite difficult for me to be present with my “real” life, where I am a woman you know less about than what I reveal here. It also pulls on Her feelings, which is quite insensitive on my part.

I am sad to go, really. I’ve not written so many poems since I was that awkward tall girl in high school, so many years ago. This has been delightful… Loving Her is delightful…

<Ahem.>But, alas, if you knew 1) how much I truly miss Her (and you may have a sense of it, if you have been reading anything that has been posted here at all, but for a couple of poems on spiders and minivans), and 2) how posting here only challenges me to elicit some small response from Her, then you would understand why I must back away for a while. It is too painful, and too tempting, all at once. And November is simultaneously too close and too far away. (Sorry…only She will understand that last sentence.)

So, thank you for all of your support. Keep doing what you love. Feel free to browse around this blog. There are pages and pages of love, and my writing is not too bad most days. In fact, there is one story I had the best time writing which I will reblog shortly, to give it one last hurrah. It is one of my favorites, and forgive me for saying that I am rather proud of its silliness-with-a-point, even thought the point is no longer valid (and wasn’t fully valid when I wrote it–but it was still fun).

So, farewell, my unintentional blogger family! All the best to you. It is time for me to write less, release more.

And to You, Amada Minha, I will love you deeply every day, for always ~

heart-clouds