You are away
But my Love keeps flowing
In Your silence
My desire keeps growing
Have I lost my Love
Or only for the time
To postpone what
Should I fear?
Should I cry?
Shall I ignore
The inner promptings?
Within is a sensible
Self that knows
With trust of
One thousand lifetimes!
I am Yours
Then, Now, Later
But Now would be
A refreshing drink
Of water from the
Universe where Love
First encountered Us
Assigning the burden
We carry now
Too heavy for even
Two Hearts who Love
I reach out for You As this branch reaches for a reflection of its kin I reach out for you And have the success that sticks have holding water I reach out for You And am reminded of how quickly hope, like illusion, … Continue reading
Beijos sôfregos, beijos ternos.
Olhos nos olhos, eternizam um momento
Em nossas vidas.
Não é paixão, é amor…
Amor entre duas almas velhas companheiras.
Beijos, beijo-te no canto dos olhos
Beijas-me no canto dos labios.
É o alimento para nossas almas
Não sabiamos, então
Era o alimento para nossos corações
Que teríamos para cruzar
Este árido deserto que nos aguardava
O deserto que atravessamos hoje
Que findar-se-a em talvez um século.
Abraço-te e te olho nos olhos.
Lagrimas contenho, na garganta o nó que não desata.
Devo partir, deves voltar…
Embarco tendo nos labios o seu sabor
Nas narinas o seu perfume,
Nos olhos o seu olhar
No peito nossos corações
E o eterno desejo de te reencontrar.
Love you amada minha
(This is Her. Why do I love Her? Can you see now? She is the door in my heart that opens to the Universe. Click here and find the translation. WordPress won’t allow me to link to it yet.)
I’m taking this evening to share a bit differently here. It’s been a long time since I actually wrote something besides emoting through poems. I’ve been saving random writing for my other blog. There’s a poem coming out here in the morning–maybe you saw it before this one. This is a bit of the back story on it. I do have other poems scheduled this week, based on some photos I took today at our nearby pond–one where She and I spent some moments. They are coming.
I adore this Woman I have dedicated this blog to. I can only get Her out of my mind for short periods at a time. One of my favorite bloggers, Evelyn of MabelandEvelyn (I love them both), wrote a post one night out of her own frustration, then must have deleted it fairly quickly, since I couldn’t find it again shortly thereafter. I still read it four times before it was gone. It spoke to me about having courage to make moves in life that matter; to have courage to make choices in the face of other people’s opinions and feelings–as well as our own desire to not hurt others, even if it means giving up a part of ourselves. Sometimes, for love, we have to do all of the above. Hurt others, not on purpose, but because we have to let ourselves out of the box we’ve been suffocating in for far too long.
Have you experienced a love like this before? One so encompassing, no external circumstances seem to matter? I’m sure if my She were God, I’d be enlightened by now, I think of Her and adore Her so much.
The last day I saw my Her in person was April 6, 2012. (I have an anniversary poem already scheduled to be posted in the morning.) It was Her last day in the U.S. after our Week of Heaven together a few weeks earlier. She had spent the rest of the time with Her family who live near me. We were going to spend a nice, innocent day at the botanic gardens taking photos before I took Her to the airport. We had already agreed–well, She had graciously understood (again)–that I couldn’t be with Her anymore because of my family and the superhuman guilt that I carried. She was distant from me, understandably, the night before and I hated it, even if She was right to be, and trying to help me. Because that is how wonderful She is.
I had been crying all morning, having to hide it from my husband and children. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house to pick Her up. But my crying wouldn’t stop, and it wasn’t in my control. It came in bursts, I would breathe, calm myself, then it would start all over again. I didn’t want Her to see me crying. I wanted to be strong for Our last day together. I sat in Her room as She packed the last of Her things. The moment She finished and turned to me, I was already crying, silently so She wouldn’t see me. But She did.
She rushed to me and held me so tight as I cried and cried and cried on Her shoulder. I said to Her these words that are the truest words I have ever spoken, “I don’t know how to love anyone as much as I love You.”
She hugged me tighter and apologized for being so distant the night before. No need to apologize, of course; I understood. We didn’t know how to be with this shared love that is so strong, how to be friends after having been lovers. Then She kissed one of my eyes to comfort me. Then the other. And I knew it was over. We spent the next six hours before Her flight kissing and holding each other. It was the most divine day of my life.
Two years later, here We are, still figuring out how to be friends after having been lovers. Still sharing, still loving, and working hard to be okay with love as it is. We have tried everything else, short of me divorcing my spouse and leaving my children–which hasn’t been a viable option, even if a desired one many times over.
When I made that statement to Her, that I didn’t know how to love anyone as much as I love Her, I felt this insight. It wasn’t words, just a feeling of using my deep, patient, kind, joyful love for Her as a measuring stick for loving others. Am I loving others as deeply as I love Her? Am I being as patient and kind? As present with them as I am so easily with Her? Am I allowing that joy to be with the love I give? It’s a tough lesson, a serious practice, and mine to do.
I can’t be everything to everyone. I wish I could. I wish I could do what is mine to do here, and be with Her, too. I wish being with Her was my only option. For reasons too many to explain here, it’s not. And it hurts. It would hurt to leave, and it hurts to stay and be away from Her.
I want to learn to experience the Love that I feel with Her with each person as much as I can. Nothing will be what I have with Her. But I want to experience that Love as Love for all, starting with my family. I want to cherish every minute with them. And with that great Love, I want to also Love and honor mySelf.
Thanks for reading and allowing me the space for this release.
Come here, poor little child
You fell into the hole again, did you?
In spite of knowing better,
You fell prey to illusion
Poor, poor little child!
Do not cry for your ignorance
Simply learn what you need to
Pick yourself up and march forth!
You are still here
You have breath in your lungs
And blood in your veins
You aren’t finished yet
You have much to do
But do not worry, child
That which speaks within you
Sees from the mountaintop
I AM here guiding you
You are a good listener
But your following needs work
One step at a time I guide you
Do not leap because you think you know
Where I am taking you
Take the step given to you, then the next,
Then the next, then the next
I AM leading you where you need to go
Trust only Me
The Universe drips down through me
Its powerful downward motion
Will lift me into Itself and
Silence the part of me that
Will miss the ground!
Calling not with words but
Simple relief, It beckons me:
“Lift up your eyes! Raise your chin!
Breathe your life through Me!
Leave behind what’s familiar;
Take a chance with what you can learn!
You are good at what you know,
It’s what you don’t that I want to show
You, my child!”
Bitter knocked upon my door
But I would not let her in.
She pushed the door right open
And I felt her cold, dark skin.
“You can’t come in,” I said aloud.
She responded with a grin,
“You’ll let me in, I’ll have my way,
And with me come my kin:
Sadness, Anger, Broken Heart,
You’ll let us all come in!”
I looked into her steely eyes
And knew the choice was mine:
Either close the door or join her,
And I was running out of time.
How hard I pushed upon that door
To block that Bitter’s hold!
I knew she didn’t match my Heart–
Not mine that I behold!
I slammed that door right good and hard,
I pushed with all my might;
I slowly felt the cold subside
‘Til Bitter was out of sight.
That title is a play on words… Who has left? She has. Who is left? Only me.
She keeps dropping bombshells but still won’t talk directly with me. She said She won’t be returning to the U.S. for the foreseeable future.
But that’s not all.
She has met someone.
It was inevitable, a beautiful, strong woman like her.
I handled this news by drinking an entire bottle of wine last night (not something I recommend) and spent two hours typing a diatribe (I’m on a roll lately) of love and grieving to Her, asking if we could talk one last time.
She was online, but did not respond at all to my calls. Did she know I was online, too? I can’t say for certain, but I was as loud as one can be, virtually.
I sent Her recent photos and updates of my children through email in between my drunken sobs.
Now I have to get ready for work, attend to people who need my support. Hungover and emotionally shattered (quite dramatic, don’t you think so?), I have to go through this, to pull myself up and get over it already.
There is so much I have been processing about this, from joy for Her new life to feeling betrayed by this silence to not feeling allowed to have any feelings at all! She doesn’t owe me anything, after all. Not one word.
I just have to get through at least this day without crying in front of my clients. Please, send good vibes my way today. I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck and have to go about my day as usual.
Please help me refrain from pestering Her until She responds to me!!! (Click the photo if you need back story.) Thank you. Now I have to go do my taxes. Good day.