Silence Becomes You

Amada Amada
Your silence becomes you
It shines in your eyes
Like glitter of sunlight
Through a dew drop tear

It adds to your smile
Curling the sweet corners
Adding to the mystery
Adventure and delight
That you are

It sweeps over your face
Like the mane of a wild horse
Free in virgin pastures
Windy, warm, wide open
Away from man’s capture

It sits in your lap
Peaceful and bold like
Enlightenment
Sat upon Buddha’s
Awakened heart

It sees right through me
Like a mirror reflecting
My selfishness, inner
Disharmony, and perhaps
I’m not as bad as all that

In silence you breathe
And I think, hope,
You will speak
But only a patient sigh
Escapes your lips

My heart shouts out
Ad nausem
Thunderous with the sound
Of the mayhem of love
Desired and dreamed of

As I sit here yammering
Away my breath
You let the words flow by
Like diamond dust
In the sky

Perhaps that silence
Looking so good on you
If I tried it
Just might look, maybe,
Half as good on me
image

Uninvited Thoughts

“I’m not staying,”
She said as she
Walked around the room
Gathering up her belongings that she scattered there herself.

“No, I was just passing through
To say hello to you,
But I’m not meant to stay.”

She paused, waiting for a thought to land
And encourage her to continue
On her way out the door.

“It’s always a pleasure,”
And she smiled her uncomfortable smile,
Averting her eyes
To avoid the release of the lies that she told.

“Well, I will keep you no longer.”
And with that she slowly moved swiftly
Through the door
That never invited her in
In the first place.

Woman in the Tree

Chained in past
Was I once
To the tree

Tree of Life
Tree of Love
Tree of Loss

I believed
I was the one
Holding the tree

So tightly held
Two seemed one
Who was I?

I saw myself
As the leaves
Green and new

But they fell
To the ground
Still was I

Perhaps I grew
As the blooms
Scented strong

But the petals
Blew away
Leaving me

The branches!
Then I thought
Myself to be

But ’twas still I
Looking ‘long
Their withered bows

Surely the trunk
Steadfast and wide
Must I be

To weather
Many changes
Around I see

Yet one observes
The solid core
Who am I?

For this time
I have been
Searching deep

Even roots
Disguising
Essence true

Dissolving this
Entire self,
Dream of dreams

I will find
Forsaking earth
Once I dwell

Beyond the leaves
Beyond the blooms
Beyond branches

Beyond the trunk
Beyond the roots
Beyond the earth

To see true
Purpose was
Never to love

Those green leaves
Scented blossoms
Outstretched bows

Substantial trunk
Thirsty roots
Nutritious ground

Rather for all
To dissolve
In the All

 

Open Wide to Love

Open Wide to Love

I am open wide for Love My eyes see it coming My mouth waters open My heart breathes it in I am open wide for Love! My arms outstretched To receive its warmth And satisfying goodness! I am open wide … Continue reading

A Vision of Us: Separate But Connected

image
Amada Minha, Alma Divina!

I had a vision of Us
In the middle of the night
The two of Us
Sitting on clouds holding hands
But at a distance
Smiling so brightly!
Our Souls
Separate now but
Connected for always!

It may seem silly to others,
But You and I know its true
That We have more to do
Together one day

(Do you know We have friends here,
Such sweet, dear souls,
Who would love to see Us together sooner?
How I wish to fulfill their desire!
Maybe they will see Us next time
Who knows?)

I realized in this vision
What I wrote in a poem
Yesterday:

I trust You.

What I mean to say is

My Soul
Trusts Yours
Implicitly

Just as I have never
Really loved until You,
Neither have I trusted–
Not anyone, not really
Until now

I can finally let go
Of fears of losing You
Because of this vision
Showing me that We are
Side by side
As We have been
For a very long time

I no longer will cry
During romance movies
For some love idea that
Doesn’t exist
Because You are with me
And You most certainly exist!

Even though I have to let go
Of Beijas’ hopes this time–
The closeness and kisses
And fantasies of Our wedding…

(Ah! I’ve not even shared that with
You, have I? Not much at all,
Nor written of it here,
Such a quiet secret it’s been
In my heart!
But, oh yes,
Hundreds of times this same scene:
There We are,
At some alter before friends and family,
A picture of elegant Beauty
Holding hands, facing each Other,
Smiling and perhaps tears of joy,
We dedicate Our Souls to the Other
Such joy! Such relief! Such peace~
In spite of what Our
Poor family members are thinking!
Ahahaha)

…Our Souls dance together
All the time!
Mo Anam Cara ~
We simply are!

More in my vision:
You, all around me now,
Supporting me doing
What’s mine to do–
No more peeking at me from
Across the street!
I need You closer,
Your Presence, Dear Heart,
And You have mine
In all that You do
I have Your back this time,
Brother Warrior!

And I will not leave You
And I will not panic
Causing some disastrous occurrence!
I almost did this time, didn’t I?
Only for wanting You

But You,
Stronger and wiser,
Pushed me out of harm’s way
Missing the sword of sorrow

If We aren’t able to talk
Without forgetting Our Goal
Know that You’re close to me
Right by my side

I hoped for Our friendship
I miss talking with You
The way We used to,
Sharing everything!
I miss it so much!

But, Woman!
What attraction is this
That sets Us on fire
In a zoompy?

It’s the magnetism
That will remind Us
Next time
Not eyes, not scent
But this Love

It’s not that I’m
Suddenly happy
I still miss and want You
If my human self had its say
I’d be there already!
What supernatural force has
Managed to keep me here?

Love.
Love has kept me away
So We can shine
As partners–in secret
And silence and invisibility
This time;
But in all light, love and joy
When it’s Our time

I may have to write
One million poems
To remind myself
Again and again

But, Beloved of mine,
I’m here for You
Look over and see me
On this cloud next to You
Holding Your hand
Separate for now,
But always connected

What more can I say to You
Beautiful
Beloved
Butterfly
Soul?

I
Love
You
So
So
So
Muito ~

Blowing Lonely Away

Blowing Lonely Away

Are You blowing in the wind, my Darling? Are You carefree and open to the sun? Are You breathing the fresh air of spring, Giving You new life to start again? Are You giving new hope to your heart, Filled … Continue reading

~ When Love First Encountered Us ~

You are away
But my Love keeps flowing
In Your silence
My desire keeps growing

Have I lost my Love
Soul forever?
Or only for the time
It takes

To postpone what
Should flourish?
Should I fear?
Should I cry?

Shall I ignore
The inner promptings?
Within is a sensible
Self that knows

You
With trust of
One thousand lifetimes!
I am Yours

Eternally
Then, Now, Later
But Now would be
A refreshing drink

Of water from the
Universe where Love
First encountered Us
Assigning the burden

We carry now
Too heavy for even
Two Hearts who Love
This much

Reaching Out for You

Reaching Out for You

I reach out for You As this branch reaches for a reflection of its kin I reach out for you And have the success that sticks have holding water I reach out for You And am reminded of how quickly hope, like illusion, … Continue reading

Beijos

Olho, olho
Testa
Beijo minhas lágrimas ido
Bochecha, bochecha
Segure-me perto
Nunca diga adeus
Orelha, pescoço
Dedos, mão
Só para ter você perto
Em seus braços
Ao seu lado
Onde eu pertenço
Beije-me aqui
Beijá-lo lá
De mãos dadas
Beijo meus lábios
Ver-me sorrir
Beije-me mais
Seis horas
Mais tarde é
Hora de ir
Devemos separar?
Segure meu coração
Todo o caminho para casa
Sempre lá
Eternamente
Dentro de mim
Próxima vida
Alma Minha
Com Você eu serei ~

(Feliz aniversário, Amada Minha! Um outro dia especial — Seis horas de beijar! Shhhhh …)(Veja também abaixo da imagem…)

(Borboleta Minha, eu escrevi esse poema e agendado antes do meu insanidade temporária veio em cima de mim. Entendi não levá-lo para baixo, na esperança de que é agradávela com você. LUSM ~)

(English translation)

A Different Kind of Post

I’m taking this evening to share a bit differently here. It’s been a long time since I actually wrote something besides emoting through poems. I’ve been saving random writing for my other blog. There’s a poem coming out here in the morning–maybe you saw it before this one. This is a bit of the back story on it. I do have other poems scheduled this week, based on some photos I took today at our nearby pond–one where She and I spent some moments. They are coming.

I adore this Woman I have dedicated this blog to. I can only get Her out of my mind for short periods at a time. One of my favorite bloggers, Evelyn of MabelandEvelyn (I love them both), wrote a post one night out of her own frustration, then must have deleted it fairly quickly, since I couldn’t find it again shortly thereafter. I still read it four times before it was gone. It spoke to me about having courage to make moves in life that matter; to have courage to make choices in the face of other people’s opinions and feelings–as well as our own desire to not hurt others, even if it means giving up a part of ourselves. Sometimes, for love, we have to do all of the above. Hurt others, not on purpose, but because we have to let ourselves out of the box we’ve been suffocating in for far too long.

Have you experienced a love like this before? One so encompassing, no external circumstances seem to matter? I’m sure if my She were God, I’d be enlightened by now, I think of Her and adore Her so much.

The last day I saw my Her in person was April 6, 2012. (I have an anniversary poem already scheduled to be posted in the morning.) It was Her last day in the U.S. after our Week of Heaven together a few weeks earlier. She had spent the rest of the time with Her family who live near me. We were going to spend a nice, innocent day at the botanic gardens taking photos before I took Her to the airport. We had already agreed–well, She had graciously understood (again)–that I couldn’t be with Her anymore because of my family and the superhuman guilt that I carried. She was distant from me, understandably, the night before and I hated it, even if She was right to be, and trying to help me. Because that is how wonderful She is.

I had been crying all morning, having to hide it from my husband and children. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house to pick Her up. But my crying wouldn’t stop, and it wasn’t in my control. It came in bursts, I would breathe, calm myself, then it would start all over again. I didn’t want Her to see me crying. I wanted to be strong for Our last day together. I sat in Her room as She packed the last of Her things. The moment She finished and turned to me, I was already crying, silently so She wouldn’t see me. But She did.

She rushed to me and held me so tight as I cried and cried and cried on Her shoulder. I said to Her these words that are the truest words I have ever spoken, “I don’t know how to love anyone as much as I love You.

She hugged me tighter and apologized for being so distant the night before. No need to apologize, of course; I understood. We didn’t know how to be with this shared love that is so strong, how to be friends after having been lovers. Then She kissed one of my eyes to comfort me. Then the other. And I knew it was over. We spent the next six hours before Her flight kissing and holding each other. It was the most divine day of my life.

Two years later, here We are, still figuring out how to be friends after having been lovers. Still sharing, still loving, and working hard to be okay with love as it is. We have tried everything else, short of me divorcing my spouse and leaving my children–which hasn’t been a viable option, even if a desired one many times over.

When I made that statement to Her, that I didn’t know how to love anyone as much as I love Her, I felt this insight. It wasn’t words, just a feeling of using my deep, patient, kind, joyful love for Her as a measuring stick for loving others. Am I loving others as deeply as I love Her? Am I being as patient and kind? As present with them as I am so easily with Her? Am I allowing that joy to be with the love I give? It’s a tough lesson, a serious practice, and mine to do.

I can’t be everything to everyone. I wish I could. I wish I could do what is mine to do here, and be with Her, too. I wish being with Her was my only option. For reasons too many to explain here, it’s not. And it hurts. It would hurt to leave, and it hurts to stay and be away from Her.

I want to learn to experience the Love that I feel with Her with each person as much as I can. Nothing will be what I have with Her. But I want to experience that Love as Love for all, starting with my family. I want to cherish every minute with them. And with that great Love, I want to also Love and honor mySelf.

Thanks for reading and allowing me the space for this release.