Slow and Steady

turtle

Alas,
As much as I love this engagement,
It is back to the work at hand!
Back to my purpose and every day life
To be more like the turtle
Who notices not whether you notice him
Nor cares not whether you care about him
(In fact, he assumes you don’t!)
Nor worries about the opinions of others
Whether they like his shell
Or the way he swims in the water
(You might think he’s slow,
But he sees himself as quite efficient!)
It’s time for me to focus upon
The life right under my nose
The call within my heart
And the duties that I chose

(For you, Amada Minha, to honor your wishes ~)

Advertisements

Blood and Fire, Indigo Girls

To go with my last post…A bit overkill, but who doesn’t love this song? Enjoy!

Blood And Fire

I have spent nights with matches and knives,
Leaning over ledges, only two flights up.
Cutting my heart, burning my soul.
Nothing left to hold,
Nothing left but, blood and fire.

You have spent nights, thinking of me,
Missing my arms, but you needed to leave.
Leaving my cuts, leaving my burns,
Hoping I’d learn.

Blood and fire
Are too much for these restless arms to hold.
And my nights of desire are calling me,
Back to your fold.
And I am calling you, calling you from 10,000 miles away
Won’t you wet my fire with your love, babe?

I am looking for someone, who can take as much as I give,
Give back as much as I need,
And still have the will to live.
I am intense, I am in need,
I am in pain, I am in love.
I feel forsaken, like the things I gave away.

Blood and fire
Are too much for these restless arms to hold.
And my nights of desire are calling me,
Back to your fold.
And I am calling you, calling you from 10,000 miles away
Won’t you wet my fire with your love, babe?

I am intense, I am in need, I am in pain, I am in love.
I am intense, I am in need, I am in pain, I am in love.
I am intense, I am in need, I am in pain, I am in love.

Blood and fire
Are too much for these restless arms to hold.
And my nights of desire are calling me,
Back to your fold.
And I am calling you, calling you from 10,000 miles away
Won’t you wet my fire with your love, babe?

Love, Courage, and Fire

Image
No, not silly at all!
She recognize the child
She loves as much inside you
She she also fears
That for being such a young child
You play with dangerous things.
Do you really think that 
You are prepared For what
You are looking for?
You are naive or are you not?
If not, are you trying to play with fire?
Are you prepared to play the fireman
If the house burn inside?
I do not believe you are, are You?
Ah beautiful child,
Why have  you had to rebirth from the ashes?
       ~ Her

That was the poem She wrote to me, in Her sweet English, after my 101 emails to Her while She was away. It was one piece of the sparse response I received from Her.

She’s right, you know. I have been playing with fire–a hot, passionate Fire–that I’m not prepared to put out once it has its way. I won’t leave my family for Her, even if there are moments that I would drop everything to go to Her. Overall, I won’t.

I promised Her I would not pull on Her again, yet I did. So unfair.

In one of our “Go Away” times, She scolded me for not being courageous enough to acknowledge my feelings, my heart, my desires and leave for Her. In some ways, She was right. And, my feelings did indeed become more public than I preferred, when my husband found our emails to each other. He would have let me go to Her.

But I said no. And this is where She was wrong. It is easy to be with Her. My kids aren’t around, my husband’s needs aren’t around, even my career was set aside during those beautiful days I was with Her. That was easy. No one knew but She and I that We were sharing the best moments of Our lives together. It was so easy, so lovely.

No, that wasn’t courageous. Amazing, but not courageous.

What takes courage is for me to look at my children and realize I need them more than they need me, and that perhaps losing me would alter their life course in some devastating way.

It takes courage to be my husband’s wife, to live up to his expectations that I do the best I can for myself in this life I have been given. He doesn’t need me to be perfect. He needs me to honor myself.

And that takes courage.

Here’s the deal: I had a choice of two wonderful lives: One with Her, and one with my family.

Choosing one, I lose the other. Neither one is better than the other, although my best-friend-who-is-also-a-lesbian would think I was losing part of myself if I chose to let Her go. But if it was appropriate to ask my children, what would they say?

No, I have said before, I don’t have the constitution to do both. She now knows everything I wanted her to know all these months, why I blocked all contact with Her. The last two weeks has been pent-up anxiety splashing all over these pages. It’s out. It’s done.

Her small response to my huge outpourings tells me She is done, too. I gave Her 101 opportunities to be strong. She gave me 101 opportunities to release Her.

I will never find anyone like Her again, and I certainly won’t go looking. Perhaps I will keep my pseudonym email, just to keep in contact with Her, to see how She is doing. I just won’t check it everyday. It’s too disappointing.

Time to courageously let go. She’s right. I am naive. No more fire.

 

The Creation of Lilith, Revisited

(Inspired by this past week, reconnecting with Her and cracking a rib in the midst of it. Both really hurt.)

Then God looked around and saw what He created. And He said that it was good.

But after a while of watching the wild things hunt, eat and procreate, God became bored.

From the dust and the dirt, He created Adam, and He called Adam good enough.

Adam wandered the meadows and the hills quite aimlessly, not knowing what to do.

God saw this and felt great love for His creation and said, “My son, I see that you are not quite knowing what to do with yourself. I shall give you a companion who will be different from you, that you shall together be entertained by those differences, complimenting each other for all your days together.”

“Yeah, that’d be cool,” replied Adam.

“Just one thing, I shall create your companion from a bone in your ribcage, close to your heart. Your companion will always feel your pull, feeling somewhat responsible for you, and always feels she belongs close to your side.”

“Yeah, okay,” replied Adam.

So God created a companion for Adam from a bone close to Adam’s heart. He saw what He created and said that it was good. God was quite impressed with Himself.

Adam was so happy. He showed Eve around the world and pointed to unnamed creatures and they were entertained. Adam more so than Eve.

Eve became restless and hungry.

She saw a tree that bore the most beautiful fruit, and it attracted her.

A snake in the tree called out to her, “This is the flavor you have been waiting for your entire existence. Come, have a bite.”

Eve replied, “I think I read somewhere that we were to stay out of this tree…but I think you are right. I know I have been waiting for something all of my life; perhaps this is what it is. I must try it.”

Eve took a bite of the fruit, and indeed it was good.

Suddenly, Adam came to her and said, “I feel a bit exposed.”

Thus they became aware of their differences, and realized there might be a purpose for it.

Soon, a child was born, then another.

Eve took care of the children, while Adam went off during the day naming things. His job was quite interesting to Eve, until he got to amoebas and shit, when it became quite tedious.

Eve began to dread Adam’s coming home each night. He would be all a-chatter, barely asking her how her day went with the boys. He could fix things just fine, but Eve wanted more.

Eve went to God and said, “I get the impression that you are a little ticked about the whole fruit-eating thing, but I need some guidance.”

And God replied, “No worries, Eve. I knew you would eat from it. That’s why I told you not to. Much more enticing that way, you know, to move things along a bit. You can’t be created from a rib and not have a little spunk in you. Proceed, My child.”

“Well, it’s not that I don’t appreciate Adam and all he does for our family, but…”

“Ah, yes, he can be a bit dull and self-occupied, can’t he? I noticed that from the beginning. That’s why I created you, hoping to get him out of himself sometimes.”

“Well, he can do that…”

“Oh yes,” chuckled God, “but only when he wants sex, right?”

“Well, yes,” said Eve shyly, with a hint of annoyance.

“Hm,” God thought for a moment. “What you need is a girlfriend.”

“A girlfriend? What is this girlfriend?” asked Eve.

“A companion for you. Someone who understands you, knows about your thoughts before you even speak them. Someone who knows how to love you, because she will be a woman as well.”

“Sounds lovely. Let’s have it then. You need a rib for her, too?”

“No, no,” said God. “I never like to do the same thing twice. Besides, you need all your ribs, for your children and grandchildren will endlessly be climbing all over you. No, no bones from you. Let’s see…Well, she will have to have the essence of you…Oh, I’ve got it. Instead of taking a rib, I will only crack it a bit, taking the energy from the crack, while leaving the bone. Are you ready?”

“Um, will it hurt?”

“Terribly, but most days, you won’t even notice.”

“Well, okay,” Eve agreed.

With a loud cry of pain, there was a great light and wind. Eve opened her eyes and saw what God created and said that it was good.

God called His new creation Lilith, after a flower with a sweet smell that Adam had named.

While Adam was at work, Eve and Lilith talked and talked and talked. They laughed together, appreciated God’s nature together, and seemed to have the same thoughts and be synchronized in every way. Their love grew.

One day, Lilith asked Eve to lay with her. Eve felt it was a natural extension of all that they were sharing, and agreed. It was most wonderful.

Lilith began to feel restless. Her eyes were always on the horizon.

“Come with me,” she said to Eve one day.

“I cannot,” replied Eve. “I am bound to Adam, and I have the children…”

“Bring them with you,” encouraged Lilith.

“I can’t. I can’t even explain why fully, but I cannot leave.”

Lilith remained a short while longer, then said to Eve, “Eve, I love you dearly and deeply, but I must go. I have to explore. I feel stifled here.”

And she left, leaving Eve with Adam, the children, and the pain in the cracked rib close to her heart as a constant reminder of what she no longer has.

159199-6