Slow and Steady

turtle

Alas,
As much as I love this engagement,
It is back to the work at hand!
Back to my purpose and every day life
To be more like the turtle
Who notices not whether you notice him
Nor cares not whether you care about him
(In fact, he assumes you don’t!)
Nor worries about the opinions of others
Whether they like his shell
Or the way he swims in the water
(You might think he’s slow,
But he sees himself as quite efficient!)
It’s time for me to focus upon
The life right under my nose
The call within my heart
And the duties that I chose

(For you, Amada Minha, to honor your wishes ~)

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Abandoned by Love? Look Deeper

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When you think love has abandoned you
It has not
When you think you are alone
You are not
When you reach out for that hand
You thought would always be there
Reach inside, it is there

When you think you’ve been forgotten
You have not
When you feel you haven’t made a difference
You have
When you feel your heart will burst from longing that you feel
Rise up, you will be filled

When you think the answer lies in someone else
It definitely does not
When you cherish something and think it disappears
It does not
When a person chooses differently and you think it makes you less
Think again, of your own light

When you make decisions from your senses
Look deeper
When you have a soul connection that seems severed
It is not
When you think you have the answer because the moment feels so right
Listen within, there might be more

Your heart has it right

Uninvited Thoughts

“I’m not staying,”
She said as she
Walked around the room
Gathering up her belongings that she scattered there herself.

“No, I was just passing through
To say hello to you,
But I’m not meant to stay.”

She paused, waiting for a thought to land
And encourage her to continue
On her way out the door.

“It’s always a pleasure,”
And she smiled her uncomfortable smile,
Averting her eyes
To avoid the release of the lies that she told.

“Well, I will keep you no longer.”
And with that she slowly moved swiftly
Through the door
That never invited her in
In the first place.

Woman in the Tree

Chained in past
Was I once
To the tree

Tree of Life
Tree of Love
Tree of Loss

I believed
I was the one
Holding the tree

So tightly held
Two seemed one
Who was I?

I saw myself
As the leaves
Green and new

But they fell
To the ground
Still was I

Perhaps I grew
As the blooms
Scented strong

But the petals
Blew away
Leaving me

The branches!
Then I thought
Myself to be

But ’twas still I
Looking ‘long
Their withered bows

Surely the trunk
Steadfast and wide
Must I be

To weather
Many changes
Around I see

Yet one observes
The solid core
Who am I?

For this time
I have been
Searching deep

Even roots
Disguising
Essence true

Dissolving this
Entire self,
Dream of dreams

I will find
Forsaking earth
Once I dwell

Beyond the leaves
Beyond the blooms
Beyond branches

Beyond the trunk
Beyond the roots
Beyond the earth

To see true
Purpose was
Never to love

Those green leaves
Scented blossoms
Outstretched bows

Substantial trunk
Thirsty roots
Nutritious ground

Rather for all
To dissolve
In the All

 

Open Wide to Love

Open Wide to Love

I am open wide for Love My eyes see it coming My mouth waters open My heart breathes it in I am open wide for Love! My arms outstretched To receive its warmth And satisfying goodness! I am open wide … Continue reading

Blowing Lonely Away

Blowing Lonely Away

Are You blowing in the wind, my Darling? Are You carefree and open to the sun? Are You breathing the fresh air of spring, Giving You new life to start again? Are You giving new hope to your heart, Filled … Continue reading

~ When Love First Encountered Us ~

You are away
But my Love keeps flowing
In Your silence
My desire keeps growing

Have I lost my Love
Soul forever?
Or only for the time
It takes

To postpone what
Should flourish?
Should I fear?
Should I cry?

Shall I ignore
The inner promptings?
Within is a sensible
Self that knows

You
With trust of
One thousand lifetimes!
I am Yours

Eternally
Then, Now, Later
But Now would be
A refreshing drink

Of water from the
Universe where Love
First encountered Us
Assigning the burden

We carry now
Too heavy for even
Two Hearts who Love
This much

A Different Kind of Post

I’m taking this evening to share a bit differently here. It’s been a long time since I actually wrote something besides emoting through poems. I’ve been saving random writing for my other blog. There’s a poem coming out here in the morning–maybe you saw it before this one. This is a bit of the back story on it. I do have other poems scheduled this week, based on some photos I took today at our nearby pond–one where She and I spent some moments. They are coming.

I adore this Woman I have dedicated this blog to. I can only get Her out of my mind for short periods at a time. One of my favorite bloggers, Evelyn of MabelandEvelyn (I love them both), wrote a post one night out of her own frustration, then must have deleted it fairly quickly, since I couldn’t find it again shortly thereafter. I still read it four times before it was gone. It spoke to me about having courage to make moves in life that matter; to have courage to make choices in the face of other people’s opinions and feelings–as well as our own desire to not hurt others, even if it means giving up a part of ourselves. Sometimes, for love, we have to do all of the above. Hurt others, not on purpose, but because we have to let ourselves out of the box we’ve been suffocating in for far too long.

Have you experienced a love like this before? One so encompassing, no external circumstances seem to matter? I’m sure if my She were God, I’d be enlightened by now, I think of Her and adore Her so much.

The last day I saw my Her in person was April 6, 2012. (I have an anniversary poem already scheduled to be posted in the morning.) It was Her last day in the U.S. after our Week of Heaven together a few weeks earlier. She had spent the rest of the time with Her family who live near me. We were going to spend a nice, innocent day at the botanic gardens taking photos before I took Her to the airport. We had already agreed–well, She had graciously understood (again)–that I couldn’t be with Her anymore because of my family and the superhuman guilt that I carried. She was distant from me, understandably, the night before and I hated it, even if She was right to be, and trying to help me. Because that is how wonderful She is.

I had been crying all morning, having to hide it from my husband and children. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house to pick Her up. But my crying wouldn’t stop, and it wasn’t in my control. It came in bursts, I would breathe, calm myself, then it would start all over again. I didn’t want Her to see me crying. I wanted to be strong for Our last day together. I sat in Her room as She packed the last of Her things. The moment She finished and turned to me, I was already crying, silently so She wouldn’t see me. But She did.

She rushed to me and held me so tight as I cried and cried and cried on Her shoulder. I said to Her these words that are the truest words I have ever spoken, “I don’t know how to love anyone as much as I love You.

She hugged me tighter and apologized for being so distant the night before. No need to apologize, of course; I understood. We didn’t know how to be with this shared love that is so strong, how to be friends after having been lovers. Then She kissed one of my eyes to comfort me. Then the other. And I knew it was over. We spent the next six hours before Her flight kissing and holding each other. It was the most divine day of my life.

Two years later, here We are, still figuring out how to be friends after having been lovers. Still sharing, still loving, and working hard to be okay with love as it is. We have tried everything else, short of me divorcing my spouse and leaving my children–which hasn’t been a viable option, even if a desired one many times over.

When I made that statement to Her, that I didn’t know how to love anyone as much as I love Her, I felt this insight. It wasn’t words, just a feeling of using my deep, patient, kind, joyful love for Her as a measuring stick for loving others. Am I loving others as deeply as I love Her? Am I being as patient and kind? As present with them as I am so easily with Her? Am I allowing that joy to be with the love I give? It’s a tough lesson, a serious practice, and mine to do.

I can’t be everything to everyone. I wish I could. I wish I could do what is mine to do here, and be with Her, too. I wish being with Her was my only option. For reasons too many to explain here, it’s not. And it hurts. It would hurt to leave, and it hurts to stay and be away from Her.

I want to learn to experience the Love that I feel with Her with each person as much as I can. Nothing will be what I have with Her. But I want to experience that Love as Love for all, starting with my family. I want to cherish every minute with them. And with that great Love, I want to also Love and honor mySelf.

Thanks for reading and allowing me the space for this release.

March Forth, Little Child

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Come here, poor little child

You fell into the hole again, did you?

In spite of knowing better,

You fell prey to illusion

Poor, poor little child!

Do not cry for your ignorance

Simply learn what you need to

Pick yourself up and march forth!

You are still here

You have breath in your lungs

And blood in your veins

You aren’t finished yet

You have much to do

But do not worry, child

That which speaks within you

Sees from the mountaintop

I AM here guiding you

You are a good listener

But your following needs work

One step at a time I guide you

Do not leap because you think you know

Where I am taking you

Take the step given to you, then the next,

Then the next, then the next

I AM leading you where you need to go

Trust only Me