I’ll Move Forward after My Coffee

Coffee in one hand. Phone in the other. Reading emails at breakfast. Yep, all the signs of heading back to work.

We had family game night last night, since the kids and I were too tired to put our clothes away yet. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin when waiting for others’ turns, wanting to obsessively check my email to see if She had responded in some way.

Nothing. Of course.

My husband and I didn’t even make love last night, even after not seeing each other for over two weeks. That is the luxury and the curse of being married for over two decades. It was fine with me. I would have just been fantasizing about Her the whole time, and that wouldn’t have been good to him, to Her or for me. We talked instead about how to protect our children from my dysfunctional relatives at the next my-side family reunion next year. My husband comes from a very small family, both nuclear and extended. I come from an average sized nuclear family with a huge extended family, barely half of whom I would ever want my children to meet. We have gone out of our way to miss family functions over the years. For my kids, I don’t mind looking like an asshole when it comes to their safety.

While making my coffee this morning, I thought about maybe sending Her flowers again. It was amazing the first time…A bouquet of roses arriving at Her office with a card in a foreign language that only She could read. It made 5,000 miles not seem so far, at least for a few days.

This time, the card could simply say, “I’m sorry for the pain I have caused You. You are too lovely to hurt.” And perhaps a more colorful bouquet instead of roses.

But why? So that She forgives me and sends me an email and We start talking again which will compound our feelings for Each Other and then I will have to say all over again, “Sorry, I can’t do this; but even though I love you with every cell in my body, heart and soul, the division and guilt are too much for me to handle day by day”?

No. Better that She feels that She can never forgive me. It would be easier on both of Us. There are people I greatly admire for whom leaving a marriage for their same-sex true love (not that sex is ever a factor in true love—not ever), but that is not in my cards this lifetime. I tried. I’m not sure I shared on this blog just exactly how close I came to leaving my family for Her.  

But I don’t feel like getting into that today. Today is about putting down reckless wishful thinking and moving ahead, an act that will allow Her to be free, too.