A Different Kind of Post

I’m taking this evening to share a bit differently here. It’s been a long time since I actually wrote something besides emoting through poems. I’ve been saving random writing for my other blog. There’s a poem coming out here in the morning–maybe you saw it before this one. This is a bit of the back story on it. I do have other poems scheduled this week, based on some photos I took today at our nearby pond–one where She and I spent some moments. They are coming.

I adore this Woman I have dedicated this blog to. I can only get Her out of my mind for short periods at a time. One of my favorite bloggers, Evelyn of MabelandEvelyn (I love them both), wrote a post one night out of her own frustration, then must have deleted it fairly quickly, since I couldn’t find it again shortly thereafter. I still read it four times before it was gone. It spoke to me about having courage to make moves in life that matter; to have courage to make choices in the face of other people’s opinions and feelings–as well as our own desire to not hurt others, even if it means giving up a part of ourselves. Sometimes, for love, we have to do all of the above. Hurt others, not on purpose, but because we have to let ourselves out of the box we’ve been suffocating in for far too long.

Have you experienced a love like this before? One so encompassing, no external circumstances seem to matter? I’m sure if my She were God, I’d be enlightened by now, I think of Her and adore Her so much.

The last day I saw my Her in person was April 6, 2012. (I have an anniversary poem already scheduled to be posted in the morning.) It was Her last day in the U.S. after our Week of Heaven together a few weeks earlier. She had spent the rest of the time with Her family who live near me. We were going to spend a nice, innocent day at the botanic gardens taking photos before I took Her to the airport. We had already agreed–well, She had graciously understood (again)–that I couldn’t be with Her anymore because of my family and the superhuman guilt that I carried. She was distant from me, understandably, the night before and I hated it, even if She was right to be, and trying to help me. Because that is how wonderful She is.

I had been crying all morning, having to hide it from my husband and children. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house to pick Her up. But my crying wouldn’t stop, and it wasn’t in my control. It came in bursts, I would breathe, calm myself, then it would start all over again. I didn’t want Her to see me crying. I wanted to be strong for Our last day together. I sat in Her room as She packed the last of Her things. The moment She finished and turned to me, I was already crying, silently so She wouldn’t see me. But She did.

She rushed to me and held me so tight as I cried and cried and cried on Her shoulder. I said to Her these words that are the truest words I have ever spoken, “I don’t know how to love anyone as much as I love You.

She hugged me tighter and apologized for being so distant the night before. No need to apologize, of course; I understood. We didn’t know how to be with this shared love that is so strong, how to be friends after having been lovers. Then She kissed one of my eyes to comfort me. Then the other. And I knew it was over. We spent the next six hours before Her flight kissing and holding each other. It was the most divine day of my life.

Two years later, here We are, still figuring out how to be friends after having been lovers. Still sharing, still loving, and working hard to be okay with love as it is. We have tried everything else, short of me divorcing my spouse and leaving my children–which hasn’t been a viable option, even if a desired one many times over.

When I made that statement to Her, that I didn’t know how to love anyone as much as I love Her, I felt this insight. It wasn’t words, just a feeling of using my deep, patient, kind, joyful love for Her as a measuring stick for loving others. Am I loving others as deeply as I love Her? Am I being as patient and kind? As present with them as I am so easily with Her? Am I allowing that joy to be with the love I give? It’s a tough lesson, a serious practice, and mine to do.

I can’t be everything to everyone. I wish I could. I wish I could do what is mine to do here, and be with Her, too. I wish being with Her was my only option. For reasons too many to explain here, it’s not. And it hurts. It would hurt to leave, and it hurts to stay and be away from Her.

I want to learn to experience the Love that I feel with Her with each person as much as I can. Nothing will be what I have with Her. But I want to experience that Love as Love for all, starting with my family. I want to cherish every minute with them. And with that great Love, I want to also Love and honor mySelf.

Thanks for reading and allowing me the space for this release.

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4 thoughts on “A Different Kind of Post

  1. I’m sorry I deleted the post beijas. I was too deeply wrought in emotion and Mabel and I thought we should let me calm down first. Just to let you know, last summer, when I decided to firmly cut my own path, leave my marriage and pursue my relationship with Mabel, I had to stop contact with my mother – who was being, in my perception, very homophobic. Only last week did I finally get through to my father to stop giving my ex husband money, and only last night did I finally convince my ex husband to go to the hospital to seek support for his udder mental collapse. But I said to Mabel, “I don’t feel personally responsible for his problems, financial and emotional.” I exhausted myself trying to fix the problems for 18 years, with all my heart. And now I need all that effort for myself. Mabel has a healthy heart – she stands beside me equally and it feels amazing (unless we both have pms). My children cuddle with me right now in the morning sun and I know, that by being true to myself, they are happier. I don’t know what your relationship with your husband is like, by my ex was a good man who dropped into a depression and didn’t deal with his problems, including taking us into deep financial problems. I came out when it was a choice (at rock bottom) for me to acknowledge myself and find happiness, or take my children further into a life crushing maelstrom of disfunction. Have you seen the two Andrew Soloman Ted.com talks?

    • Dear Evelyn,

      You certainly do not need to apologize to me. I understood why you deleted it at the time–not because there was anything wrong with the post, but I could tell you were dealing with things and venting. I’ve deleted posts for the same reason. But, oh! how I felt you were standing next to me in the room, talking to me! I heard your words in my head for days–and still do. I wanted to send your post to Her, but the email didn’t include the whole post, and by the time I had the idea, the post was gone. No, please, I understood. I am sorry if my mentioning it here was upsetting to you, and I can take that out. That post just impacted me so much.

      What I relate to with you and Mabel most of all is your friendship and love. How easily you mesh and meld together. The other half is a bit different. My husband is kind and caring, and I do love him. My parents would be surprised, and sad, but they would still be supportive. (My sister would go nuts, but I’m in the process of canceling her vote overall for other things.) This probably makes being with Her worse in others’ eyes, because it hurt my husband that I wanted to leave–that I fell in love with someone that wasn’t him–and confused him that I chose to stay. He could see in me how much I love(d) Her, how happy I was after talking with Her. But even though I have nearly packed dozens of times, so close to getting a visa and a plane ticket, looking for jobs near Her home here, there is always something that holds me back; it is a force that steps in the way.

      When the U.S. last November declared that if a U.S. citizen married someone of the same sex from another country, the marriage would be considered legal, and the partner could gain citizenship, I cried–out of both joy and loss. That was one hurdle we had that was out of the way. But there are others, and when I read your post, I wanted to just run to Her. I wanted to believe that our only hurdles were other people’s feelings and opinions.

      But the biggest hurdle is the inner “No” we both feel. We take turns with that–me first, and now Her. It is frustrating as things change–like the gay marriage recognition across country lines–and other areas seem to be opening up now that were closed before, that would allow our relationship to flourish, or so it seems. But the inner “No” remains.

      We aren’t talking now (again), She and I, as of just a few days ago. Even when we try to be just friends, we blend together and miss being side by side, even with Her having a developing relationship now. Even when trying to be friends–and I only speak for myself and what She says to me–we want to be side by side sharing things together. She wants to support me remaining in my family, plus She has family to care for as well, 8000 km away.

      No matter what I write here, I feel I come across as selfish, over-dramatic, or stubborn. Maybe I am all those things (I’m sure of it, actually), but what I don’t know how to share here is why I am staying in my marriage. If I love Her so much, why are we still apart? What “inner No”? What the hell is that? How do I explain that? What kind of poem explains an inner “No”? I have tried. What I should be doing is just accepting the “inner No” and move on. Accept that part of me that can’t stand the thought of not being with Her; accept what is, and move on. Really, I am weakly trying to do that. It just seems like a waste of something so good, you know? In one sense, like a diamond in my hand that is turning to dust and I could do something about it; instead, like an idiot, I’m just watching it dissolve.

      But there’s that other sense–that I wish was nonsense–that tells me, “You must.” She is beautiful, inside and out, and I will always, always be deeply in love with Her. But I can’t do both. I can’t love Her so much, and stay in my marriage, too, with my husband whom I love and who loves me. This post was about what I can do with that Love instead. Some days I’m better at it than others.

      I am profoundly inspired by you and Mabel. In you both, I live my life with Her; say what I want to say, do what I want to do, triumph where we could have triumphed. I pray for you both often, for strength as you move through your challenges, for your joy to continue to grow. I believe in your triumph, and I am grateful for the loving, inspiring support you provide the rest of us. You are supportive mothers to a lot of souls.

      I have not seen the Andrew Solomon TED talk yet, but have it open in another tab now. I will watch it. Thank you for caring so much. If my inner voice changes its mind, I guarantee you that I will follow it immediately, largely based on the inspiration of your experience.

      With great love and appreciation for you,
      Beijas

      • I hear you loud and clearly about the inner ‘no’ and I can tell you that the only time you will here ‘yes’ is when you are doing it for ‘yourself,’ for your survival. When you can’t breathe one more moment because your life is crushing on your chest, then you will hear ‘yes’ or have your last breath. It isn’t about Her – you may not end up enjoying living with Her – it is about you.

        In this process, I’ve connected myself the the queer community, mentors who had the same journey as you and I, right here at home. I’ve watched a lot of Lesbian movies on Netflix and tried to understand where I land in ‘the spectrum.’ I’ve read books like ‘Broken Open’ with Mabel and Pema Chodron.

        All of those things have been for me, not my relationships. I started to love myself. Fall in love with myself because I’m feeling more comfortable in my skin. (And that came when I put my foot firmly out the door.) The more I love myself, the more I can look clinically at how I love others – what’s healthy, what’s obsessive, what’s dependent – and when I hear the internal ‘no’, I say it outloud. PS I have the best therapist ever!!! Did you ever go on the chat forum of Lavender Visions?

      • I devoured Lavender Visions when you first posted it, and go back to it frequently. I will check into “Broken Open”, and I love Pema Chodron. I haven’t yet talked with a therapist; probably a good idea at this time. Being okay in my own skin…that’s what I am working on. Will missing Her ever go away, ever stop making me cry? It seems not, but something needs to free up within me. Thank you again, and always, for the support you give.

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