Who’s Left?

That title is a play on words… Who has left? She has. Who is left? Only me.

She keeps dropping bombshells but still won’t talk directly with me. She said She won’t be returning to the U.S. for the foreseeable future.

What?

But that’s not all.

She has met someone.

It was inevitable, a beautiful, strong woman like her.

I handled this news by drinking an entire bottle of wine last night (not something I recommend) and spent two hours typing a diatribe (I’m on a roll lately) of love and grieving to Her, asking if we could talk one last time.

She was online, but did not respond at all to my calls. Did she know I was online, too? I can’t say for certain, but I was as loud as one can be, virtually.

And, nothing.

I sent Her recent photos and updates of my children through email in between my drunken sobs.

This morning?

Nothing.

Now I have to get ready for work, attend to people who need my support. Hungover and emotionally shattered (quite dramatic, don’t you think so?), I have to go through this, to pull myself up and get over it already.

There is so much I have been processing about this, from joy for Her new life to feeling betrayed by this silence to not feeling allowed to have any feelings at all! She doesn’t owe me anything, after all. Not one word.

I just have to get through at least this day without crying in front of my clients. Please, send good vibes my way today. I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck and have to go about my day as usual.

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5 thoughts on “Who’s Left?

  1. I do feel for you, Beijas. I can only say sit in the pain and try not to not feel it – there is a certain purification in that. A hollowing out. A kind of purge. And then you will be free of it because you’ve honoured it fully.

    • Thank you, Nina. That us something I have put off for too long, now have some making up to do. I will be present with myself in the midst of others. Thank you for your good words today. Very refreshing.

  2. Pingback: Who Was I Before Her? | Silence of the Hummingbird

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