Have you ever heard the riddle, “If you have a red dog and a white dog, which one will grow?”
The answer, of course, is, “The one you feed.”
Well, you see, I created this blog not to lead you on, friendly followers, but only as my own processing space as I tried to release Her, but ended up telling Her about it, then using it to profess my persistent affections for Her, then used it to grieve Her, full circle.
And, as fond of you all as I have become–your writing, your comments and compassion, your good hearts and minds–I have to admit to myself that I post here still desiring response from Her. And as long as I have that underlying motive, I am feeding my desire for Her in all, which makes it quite difficult for me to be present with my “real” life, where I am a woman you know less about than what I reveal here. It also pulls on Her feelings, which is quite insensitive on my part.
I am sad to go, really. I’ve not written so many poems since I was that awkward tall girl in high school, so many years ago. This has been delightful… Loving Her is delightful…
<Ahem.>But, alas, if you knew 1) how much I truly miss Her (and you may have a sense of it, if you have been reading anything that has been posted here at all, but for a couple of poems on spiders and minivans), and 2) how posting here only challenges me to elicit some small response from Her, then you would understand why I must back away for a while. It is too painful, and too tempting, all at once. And November is simultaneously too close and too far away. (Sorry…only She will understand that last sentence.)
So, thank you for all of your support. Keep doing what you love. Feel free to browse around this blog. There are pages and pages of love, and my writing is not too bad most days. In fact, there is one story I had the best time writing which I will reblog shortly, to give it one last hurrah. It is one of my favorites, and forgive me for saying that I am rather proud of its silliness-with-a-point, even thought the point is no longer valid (and wasn’t fully valid when I wrote it–but it was still fun).
So, farewell, my unintentional blogger family! All the best to you. It is time for me to write less, release more.
And to You, Amada Minha, I will love you deeply every day, for always ~