Sorry, poetry followers…No poem on this post, unless I change my mind before I get to the end of it.
I am freaking out a little bit this evening…Last night We talked again for the first time in I don’t even know how long–since the end of April? It was delightful, as always, and less of the shy, “How have you been” nonsense, and more to the point of “I wish you were next to me right now.”
When I talk with Her, all sensibilities fly out the window. Then, after we say goodbye, and I’m walking around the real world, rational mind intact, I ask myself, “Are you nuts? What in the hell are you doing?”, blah, blah, blah. And I find myself saying the same things in my head that I say every time I reengage with Her via email and chat (We haven’t tried video this round…yet). It becomes quite redundant, honestly. For Her, too, I’m sure.
I wrote Her a long email this morning regurgitating my thoughts; essentially, “What in the hell are We doing, AGAIN?” And, oh lovely Her! She refused to part again! Her idea is to email a few times a week and talk once a week, and when She is in the States, We can see each other, even if only for a few minutes.
Isn’t that cute, that She thinks I’d be satisfied with “a few minutes” of Her? Adorable, really.
I have said here and to Her that I am an alcoholic (not really), and She is my Bacardi! Or perhaps those Italian rojos that We love, or Muscato…Well, you get the idea.
Here’s the real dilemma: I love talking with Her, I love being around her, at least via cyber space for now. But I AM MARRIED, and as hot as it is to be with Her, I AM MARRIED. It’s a constitution issue, really, as I have shared with Her 101 times, and here once or twice…And not the kind that defines a free country. It is very difficult to be in an affair. Sometimes draining, sometimes invigorating, always time consuming. I have a one-track mind, you know? Basically loyal, if I can blaspheme the word here. So when We are “on”, all I am thinking about is Her. When will we talk again? When can I sneak in a video call? When will She be coming here next? …When we are “off”, I force myself to push Her out of my mind, but knowing She is still fully there, like the easily accessible Vodka in the grocery store. (Eck. Not a huge Vodka fan…)
I wonder if there is a Hernonymous. I would acknowledge my powerlessness over my magnetic attraction to Her, and work every day on accepting the things I cannot change and praying for the wisdom and cajones to know and act on the difference.
Ok, for you poets who actually read to the end of this sappy mess…
Whispers in the wind
Calling to my soul
Finding strength to be here now
Filling up the hole
Choices on the road
Only you decide
Step by step you carry on
Leaving behind pride
“Right” and “wrong” are null
Creation is at hand
Empowered by a free, clear mind
Still the shifting sand