Conscience Found Her Voice

So at 4:00 am, my conscience finally caught up with what was happening (again). She stood over me, hand on hip, and said in her loudest Italian voice (I’m not Italian, but apparently my conscience is):

“What in the hell are you thinking? Did your brain fall out of your head? Have you forgotten what the past eight months have been like for you and your husband, nay, very forgiving life partner? Have you forgotten the tears? The apologies? The new promises? The hard work of regaining his trust? Are you INSANE?”

Ah, and where have you been?

“Don’t get smart with me. I assumed we had this fully established and were moving on to other things. I had no idea you’d pull this out of storage again! It’s like you think there are no consequences for this….You are a freak show of delusion!”

Well…I miss Her…and don’t act like this came all out of the blue…I’d been thinking about Her for days before checking that email…Where were you then, huh?

“Oh, child, don’t even start blaming this on me! My job is to set you straight –no offensive pun intended…Staying on course is your job! And don’t give me that whole longing crap. I can smell it oozing from your pores. That b.s. might work for your sappy-ass poems, but it doesn’t work on me! Good lord, what the hell kind of mess do I have to clean up now?”

Yeah, it’s kind of bad…

“Yes, I am up to date on that last post. You see that you are making it hard for Her, too, don’t you? And I don’t care if She said not to worry about Her…Are you a sociopath? It is cruel to push and pull with Her like this, knowing full well that if you try anything else, I am going to come in and kick your ass until you stop it!”

Yes, yes, you are right…

“Damn straight I am!”

Really?

“Sorry…”

I had a dream before you woke me up…I was having to prepare for some big mission with nuclear reactors by exposing myself to smaller doses of radiation for a time…I wasn’t doing it so well…I was resisting the …why do I want to say chemotherapy here?

“When the crooked road is made…er, direct for you, you get tested to see if you can hold it steady. Eventually you have to do that without me hovering over you 24/7. When you resist what you know you should be doing, it burns you out; you are resisting the flow of energy that exists to move you forward. That energy can be healing, like chemo can be for a cancer patient. Or, it can burn like misplaced radiation.”

Wow. That’s kind of deep…

“Yeah, I’m good like that.”

…and kinda out there…Not sure if readers will, you know, get into this…

“I don’t give a crap what your readers think. You didn’t even start this blog to get followers, only to process all of this about Her–and that was months ago, by the way–so why do you suddenly care what they think?”

Well, people started following and I feel sort of responsible for what I put out here…

“Oh god, get over yourself, will you?”

Right…so how do I tell Her anew?

“You probably just did.”

Right. We’ll see…Thanks, I guess…

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3 thoughts on “Conscience Found Her Voice

  1. Hi there, it’s Evelyn. I want you to know that my husband and I are surviving our separation and deep inside I am the happiest I’ve ever been. It is not about my sexuality, or who I love, but the fact that loving two people and being tied in loyalty breaks you apart. I believe in monogamy. One person at a time. Obviously my marriage wasn’t working for ‘me’. The kids are coping, he is coping, and parts of me are thriving. Everyone is still alive. I just wanted you to know. And Mabel is still here, loving me.

    • Oh, thank you! I just commented on one of your posts before I saw your comment above! Actually, I have been searching your blog from my phone– which I’m not very good at –for an hour to find all of your updates. Thank you for these words, and your beautiful example. Really, you both have touched my heart in permanent ways.

  2. Pingback: My Little Visitor | Silence of the Hummingbird

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