Here is Her beautiful, wise response to my last post:
Petals just flow with the wind
Reaching new lands while
Shells stay on the sand
Sometimes are taken
by the ocean waves
Returning to home
Against their will.
To return home
Just “a let it be”
Are easy to face
they come and go
If you don’t fight them
They cause you no harm
No harm on your shape, your Persona
But them You miss the petals that was around
And you start to feel an inner wave of missing feelings
Bigger than the ocean waves that reach the shores
Those are your real being, your wish to live
These can drawn you into “comfortable socially accepted” sadness
Inside you feelings of rage and impotence coming in short
But strong waves, devastating waves that you have to deal with.
They keep you in a wilderness land inside you, arid land
And you do not show it to nobody, but to her!
You want the flower to be near to calm the feelings
You feel inside, in the innermost of your Soul
But there is no more flower but petals
That wind blows away, leaving them
Unable to give you any help
There is nothing petals can do
To transform your wishes
They are yours
Your decision has nothing
That she can do.
She is calm
Sent by God
To take her away
of the empty Shells
Till them can find their real way.
Ah, isn’t She amazing? Even when She points out my issues, my heart flutters. This is why I am so deeply in love with Her.
But before my heart fluttered when I first read this, I cried. Her words opened my heart like a book and She read me as if in Her own language. She peeled me down to the deepest layer I have.
Ah, damn. She is right. I run from my grief of letting Her go. I do not want to. I want to be able to take care of my responsibilities as a wife, mother, career woman, and so forth–then come home to Her every night, share about Our day together, sleep in each Other’s arms, make love every morning, and go about our business. I want to be able to walk to Her house and visit Her every day.
When the pain of the grief comes up, starting below my stomach, shooting all the way up to my heart, I want to run to Her and have Her make it better for me, by reassuring me that She will always love me and will always be there. Not exactly a fair or permanent solution for either of Us.
In my last meeting today, I had a picture flash through my mind, around the time She sent an email to see if I was busy. It was of a woman crawling out of the ocean, crying, hand reached into the air, trying to grab something–or someone–who was no longer there. It was symbolic of my horrendous grief and fear of losing Her. I run from that pain, I know.
Would I really rather stay in this Please/I Can’t montanha russa, than face that pain, release it, and trust what I felt a couple weeks ago that Our love will be fulfilled some day? Part of me doesn’t trust it, doesn’t want to be patient. Ah, but it is patience and trust, or feel trapped where I am. Damn.
So, in Her poem this morning, She tore me open and revealed me to you more than I have been willing to in 42 posts since March.
What can I say? Making peace with myself not easy.