(I Wish I Could Be There to) Share the Moon, Indigo Girls

Even when I have insights about Her
Even when We are told about Us
There is still work to do
It is not so easy to heal
From a Love so True and Real

This is the song of my Heart for Her. I am putting it here, where all of my feelings for Her abide outside of my heart.

This song makes me ache, radiating from my heart. I spent all morning at church, thinking about how to make this work after all, that the children will be all right, and even better if I am happy and fulfilled in Love. Ah, this will be the longest week of my life. I am praying to come back from the beach, after sending Her love across the ocean, and begin packing for a new journey. The one with Her.

“Share The Moon”
Amy Ray, Indigo Girls

I can go one day without calling
Two days without bawling
Three days without missing
But a lifetime of no kissing you
Is something that I just can’t do.
I wish I could be there to share the moon

I got more back for the breaking
More callous for making
A lifetime for the aching
I got no need to run this battery down.
I’m just trying to get the stains out.
I wish I could be there to share the moon

Hey la la
I’m gonna love to you till it hurts
I don’t mind if I do
Hey la la
I’m gonna love you till it works
I’ve got no mind to lose

There’s one trash heap burning
Fireflies are returning
Nightfall is softly chirping
One trailer light is staying on till dawn
I wonder who it’s waiting on

I wish I could be there to share the moon

Hey la la
I’m gonna love to you till it hurts
I don’t mind if I do
Hey la la
I’m gonna love you till it works
I’ve got no mind to lose

True Love’s Kiss

You know that saying, “If you truly love someone, let them go”? I always thought that was wise regarding children going off to college, dead pets, and people you have to forgive and walk away from.

We talked last night, She and I. It was a beautifully terrible conversation. It started with love and laughter and ended with love and a stomach ache on my end, always with wisdom on Hers.

Our talk was about, essentially, Our loving each other so much that neither One of Us would ever be happy with the arrangement as it is. No 17th Century France arrangement for Us. We want each Other, to be together. At least this is what I can see. It is not enough to love without action, without commitment to this love We have.

And I am the duck not getting in the water.

I stand at the edge of this glorious lake, temped by its beauty. I want to get in, drink from it, eat from it, swim in its refreshing waters.

But my little webbed feet are stuck on the shore. I quack frantically and flap my wings furiously, trying to free myself from the ground and step into that lovely water. But I can’t. It looks like I could just waddle in freely. Nothing is binding me there, only me. But I won’t.

After Our talk (cut quickly short by my husband waking up), I had my evening meditation time, during which an image came to me. Not quite the duck image, but one where I felt my feet so planted in the ground–cemented by blocks up to my shins–here with my children. I could never go. It wasn’t a feeling of bondage, but of acceptance, understanding, peace. It was not from guilt, but from…I don’t know how to describe it…from a sense of “This is right for you, for them, even for Her.” This was followed by a sense of other things ahead, which I have been catching glimpses of all week, without knowing specifics.

At 6:00 this morning, I woke up wanting to write this, but allowed myself to stay in bed for a while longer. For two hours, I thought of Her, cried about Her, held Her close to me via my pillow. Finally, sitting up to meditate again, I saw myself on the beach, where I will be going this week. I was standing there, looking out at the vast ocean, that ocean that connects Us, one hour closer to each other. I put my hands to my lips, then to my heart, and I sent a kiss to Her, carried by the waves, rushed through the currents, from the center of my heart to the center of Hers. Then I felt myself expanding in Our Soul Love, the Love that drew Us together in the first place, the Love that kept me returning to Her time and again, the Love that We will always have together, across time and space.

I cried again, standing on the beach and sitting in my room. But I felt that vast Love for Her, reaching Her Beautiful Heart, Beloved Soul.

When I am at the beach in person this week, there will be a time that I will send this Heart kiss across the ocean to Her. And I know She will feel it.

A kiss in the center of Your Beautiful Heart ~

Image

Vive la France! …Except, I Don’t Live There…

Ok, a break from the dram-o-rama poetry for today.

So here I am today, with my kids, hanging out because spouse is working. Well, actually, the kids aren’t even hanging out with me…they are doing their own thing in other rooms. It is our first beautiful day in a long time, so later I will take photos of the buds on the trees. She is busy, and We are confused–Ok, I’ll speak for myself–I am confused.

Maybe “unreasonable” is a better word for what I am  (and nicer than others that could be used to describe me).

I have securely duct-taped my inner, raging feminist and prude (can both be true simultaneously?) and am now dreaming of 17th Century France, where men and women would be securely married and have their true loves down the street, visiting regularly.

Really, it was a good set-up, if you think about it. Everyone was taken care of, every survival need met, every social stigma silenced, every booty call answered.

No one had to choose between their family and their lover, who was also often their Very Best Friend. Children’s lives weren’t disturbed by even the most cordial divorces. Spouses did not tire of each other’s antics, since all they had to do was get along, play their part, and keep their end of the bargain. 

Searching for an image for this post, I came across several articles on why having a mistress is good for a marriage. All the reasons previously listed here were part of the defense reasoning. Interestingly, all of these articles discussed men (French men, to be exact) having mistresses, not women having mistresses, or whatever the male counterpart to mistress is called. [Please leave it in the comments if you know…I’m curious. Lover?]

This is where the duct tape came loose on my feminist side. And what about women having lovers? [I’ll go with this until you give me a better alternative.]  Perhaps there was a double standard, and that was a reason for the lack of lovers for wives. But think about it…17th century daily hardships, woman married to self-important man, taking care of God knows how many children…plus a lover/one more individual demanding something of her? Yeah, I’m sure it happened, but probably not quite as much as we’d like to believe. 

Jump to modern day: I came across an article from PschCentral about polyamory, which is the hip word for “open relationship”. The article was about a couple for whom this seemed to be working. Both partners were bisexual (one male, one female), and they each had lovers come and go, sometimes living with them. As long as the other partner approved of the new mate, everything was good. 

And here is where the duct tape slips off my prudish side. No thanks! [Shudders.] If I wanted that, I would have made different decisions long ago. For me, love is for someone I am in love with, which–with the exception of a few years in college–is more of a long term situation. I never married thinking, “This is great, and someday I will find someone else who will help make this set-up ideal.”

I didn’t realize I was bisexual when I was first married, either. [See this previous post for more on that topic.] It never crossed my mind that I would be walking away from a side of me that would come to call 20 years later. 18.5, to be exact.

That brings me back to today. Here I am. There She is. If I started this blog today, I would rewrite each post I have posted here, from the beginning. Missing Her. Loving Her. Wanting Her. Lovely Her. Impossible Us.

My fantasy is that 17th Century France life, where She and I could walk hand-in-hand, disguised as Very Best Friends, able to write love letters to each other without a single eyebrow raised towards Us, able to go off in nature and have Our way with each other, walking home completely satisfied and ready for the next move in Our individual lives. The Kids Are Alright [Have you seen that movie? You should.], no boats are rocked, and love remains in the air.

Then I snap out of it and realize that I am here, with family. She is there, without me–perfectly fine, but without me. Ah, damn. I guess I will go take some photos, even though it makes me think of Her ~Image.

 

Friends from Lovers?

Can we be friends
After having been lovers?
Will the light of our Souls
Shine brighter than
Lifetimes gone by
That left us with anger, desire
And passion and longing?

Will the wisdom of
Who We are as Women today
Be able to corral
The force of past energy
With a life of its own?
Are there stones that have yet been
Unturned between us?

We must watch and be wary–
Who am I today?
Am I the woman who left
With regrets but heated desire?
Are you the one left
Feeling abandoned and angry
And hurt once again?

Can We be friends 
Once having been lovers?
Will Our former Selves rise up
And charge like a toro
To His torreador, both
Hated and loved,
Who is waiting to let him pass by?

How can We heal it
And seal it
This past that We have
So Our today can be 
Sunny and clear
Filled with Divine Love,
Compassion and grace?

 

Can We be friends

Once having been lovers?

(You will have to finish it ~)

New Beginnings ~

I love Her and I always will.

I just have to carry it differently than I would like. What I love most is my love for Her. I love how it feels to love Her. Not just physically, but with my whole heart. She is the only One with Whom I have been able to share such love.

We have agreed to minimal communication. She has access to post here now. I thought today I would post my last entry, saying goodbye to you all, and thanks for the follows. It was Her idea to continue here, because She’s brilliant. 

I am so happy. Happy to have Her in the center of my heart for all time. Divided by earth, both distance and circumstance. United in the Universe by Love.