Today I am feeling grateful and uplifted.
She is still away on Her training, but managed to check a few of the 67 emails I have sent to Her while She has been there. She can only check and reply from Her phone, after hours of all day training. The least I can do is cut Her some slack. She’s typing with Her sweet thumbs, for Christ’s sake.
What a gift it has been that She has been unavailable this weekend. I have poured my heart out here. I have poured my heart out to Her in emails. I have embarrassed myself in both places.
But today, I feel a freedom. Her unavailability has given me the “loneliness time” I needed to reflect in spite of my blubbering all over the place.
When I first began this blog, my intention was to release Her. Then all my deepest, unresolved feelings for Her rose to the surface like birds let out of a cage. It was messy. It was painful. It was filled with longing, willfulness, selfishness.
I began to think this blog was not such a good idea, that it has just reinforced how much I want Her.
Perhaps it did. But it was what I was feeling anyway. I had been trying to hide those feelings to spare my husband any more hurt. Trying to hide it from myself, lest I run back to Her again, only to say, “No, no, I can’t”, even if I did want to.
But today I feel a peace, an acceptance, that I have not felt any of the times We said good-bye. I feel so grateful for Her, so grateful to Her. I know I always will. I will always, always, always love Her.
I don’t know what more I will be writing here. I don’t know what else to say. Maybe there will be more, once She responds to even a few of my 100 emails to Her.
But for now, I’d like to thank you. First, the writer(s) of Mabel and Evelyn. You won’t ever know how much your story has affected me. Even if my ending is different from yours, your courage, integrity and love have been important to me this past week. You both are in my heart, despite the fact that we don’t know each other. But I feel like you have been my companions this week.
I’d like to thank my husband, for his forgiveness, acceptance and willingness to go forward. I’m obviously not an easy person to live with, but he still wants me around, so…Thank you.
I’d like to thank Her more. But that deserves its own post.
Today, I am glad I started this blog. I had a closet to clean out. Sometimes cleaning out the closet makes more of a mess than just leaving the door closed. But it’s always worth it. Then we can find things when we need them, like love, friendship, memories, open hearts.
Thank you for reading these entries, indulging my madness. Thank you for your compassion that I felt when you “liked” a post. You validated my feelings more than I tend to do for myself. I am grateful. Thanks for helping me clean out my closet this week.