So, while She was gone, I promised to send Her 100 emails. She is not responding to my passionate advances, but is responding in Her characteristic gentleness and compassion. I was naive and inconsiderate (read: stupid) to expect anything else.
Last night I had a vision during meditation. It felt great nine hours ago, but this morning…not so much.
Here is the vision, shared with Her in email number 38:
My heart is aching this morning. I went to sleep last night, prepared to let you go once again. Not altogether, but enough to free you. A vision came to me: In the Bhagavahd Gita, Krishna talks to Arjuna about the inevitability of war against his family members. Arjuna doesn’t want to hurt his family, but Krishna says he must. Krishna gives Arjuna a choice between having on his side the strongest of warriors, or Krishna’s help. Arjuna wisely chooses Krishna, and of course, wins the war. Within me, my feelings for you, my oh-so-human feelings, are represented by Arjuna’s family members. The battle is imminent. Krishna is my Soul, and my Soul Love for you. That will always win. I can’t release you altogether. I have tried for nearly half a year. I just don’t want you out of my life, if you can at all stand that.
Someone remind me…Didn’t I write in my first entry that this blog was about releasing Her? I was trying to evacuate these feelings from my heart and soul. I thought projecting them onto this screen and having them lost in cyberspace would get Her out of me. I felt like the cat in the Pepe Le Pew cartoon–do you remember it? She was always trying to get away from his stink.
For six months I have been trying to release these feelings, but managed only to suppress them. Then, as I wrote about Her, how lovely She is, all those feelings rose to the surface as if only yesterday We said good-bye.
Now, She hesistates. And understandably so. She is intelligent. She sees the situation. How has it changed? I am still married. I can’t leave my family for someone thousands of miles away. Or, I haven’t been willing to.
I was so excited to be talking with Her again. I feel so happy around Her, even if that means (mostly one-sided) email conversations. My repressed feelings blew up all over. I acted as if nothing ever happened. She is being the strong One. She is being the wise One.
“Eject, Obsess, Love” has been my version of “Eat, Pray Love.” I have to accept this deep love for Her, even my desire to be with Her physically, sexually, closely. I have to neither reject those feelings nor act them out all over the place. The balance is to be with them, share them with Her, and be satisfied to still have my Very Best Friend.
I wish I could just cry until the pain goes away. I am not just releasing Her, but this whole side of me that loves being with a woman. It’s a big door to close.