I awakened far too early this morning, thinking of Her. She is going away on a work training and won’t have even internet access. I sent Her several emails, none of which She responded to, except a brief signal. I have agreed to fool myself into thinking that She was too busy preparing for Her trip to be thinking of me, who has floated into Her life once again, full force.
I have been thinking a lot about other people who post here, and all the encouragement I have felt by it. I have especially been thinking about mabelandevelyn and the courageous step she is taking right now.
I have been thinking about what my life would be like if She lived close by, if She lived in the same country. We used to joke about how dangerous it would be if She were my neighbor, and how I would invite Her over for tea every day…and maybe We would get to the tea eventually.
But She is not close. She is very far away. I don’t want to leave for any woman. I’m certainly not in a hurry to leave my wonderful marriage and family. I love Her.
I have also been thinking about my daughter, who came out to me as bisexual about a month before She and I shared our true feelings for each other. I have been wondering, “Is this a struggle that lies before her, too?”
When she came out to me, she was scared at first to tell me. She didn’t need to be. Her dad and I have always been so open about our acceptance on this topic, and what we think about those who are intolerant. She didn’t want us to be upset.
Well, we were, of course. Not that we let her know that. But when it’s your own child, it’s just a shock, you know? You watch this adorable little soul learn and grow, and you get these ideas in your head of how this track will project into the future. Then, she tells you that your track is not hers after all.
I shared all of this with Her (not my daughter, but my Her), and She chastised me a little. “SO?” She said to me. I smiled, and said, “I know, I know.” But still, it was like my daughter never wore purple, never was interested in it, then suddenly, she was wearing it every day. And purple isn’t offensive to me, I just had to take time to adjust to seeing her in purple every day.
She had her first kiss from a girl. Now she likes a boy, an awkward, dense boy. Intelligent, but not realizing what a charm he has who is interested in him, the bonehead. I’d just as soon he stay that way, at least until she is 25 or 30.
The summer before she came out to us, I had nightmares–the wake up scared and sweating kind–that she had been raped, or was on drugs having sex with boys, or just having sex with boys. This recurred for three months. Each time I would awaken and say, “Ok, lady, get a hold of yourself. These are your fears about her becoming a young woman. It’s happening, and you have to come to terms with it.”
My processing madness served me well that time. I released her to the young woman that I have to let her become. I’m sure it helped me when she came out to me. There was somewhat of a relief about her not getting pregnant for now.
To my knowledge, she is not sexually active, but that’s what every parent thinks about their kid, right? I don’t want to think about my child being sexually active any more than I want to think about my parents having sex. It’s just not a place in my brain where I like to hang out.
So, missing Her so much this morning (so much, I held my pillow and imagined I was with Her, holding Her closely and tightly as We did for all those glorious nights when She was in town), and wondering, is this what’s in store for my daughter? That she will feel torn between loving a woman and a man? Or is she young enough and awake enough to have opportunities in relationships with men and women, so she can decide where she wants to end up?
I wouldn’t have been open to a relationship with a woman 20 years ago. I appreciated women. I enjoyed very much lesbian woman that I knew, the few at that time that were out where I grew up. And to be perfectly honest, I have always enjoyed hanging out with my lesbian friends far more than with straight women. They are truly boring.
But I never would have allowed myself that thought of being bisexual then. My daughter has the opportunity to, how do I say this? To “try before she buys.” I hope that would keep her from feeling torn one day, caught between two worlds.