These are the days I hated. Waiting for Her to respond.
I fell off the wagon. I sent Her a poem. It was under a pseudonym, but She knew it was me. She played along for a day. But I have heard nothing from Her since I sent it.
Oh, I hate these days. Waiting for Her. It drains my energy, you know? The anticipation, the worry. Will She respond? Is She angry with me? Is She wanting me to just leave Her alone so She can get on with Her lovely life?
And then my husband comes home. I feel so disappointed, not that he’s home, but that I have to not think about Her for a while.
Two nights ago, I had a dream that he found out I was with Her again. He opened a door next to me, and there She was. I knew my marriage was over at that moment. My stomach churned, but he seemed calm. I’m not sure what happened after that.
I hate watching movies with this plot. I judge, “Oh, just get over it already, will you?”
Yet here I am. I could move forward, but I’m not. At least in a movie I can fast forward to the happy ending where everyone gets what they want.
But that doesn’t happen when you have conflicting desires, when having one means letting go of the other.
Some people could do both. Some people don’t have a problem with being with someone and having someone else on the side. But I have tried, and I can’t. I become depressed and drained. Very much like an addict who won’t stop using, in spite of things falling apart.
If I would just release anchor, I could sail away from this. Nothing can come from this except more pain for everyone.
I am an intelligent person, really. And human.
What will I do with the rest of my day? I haven’t been this actively obsessive for several months. Why now? Maybe because it was a year ago this month that We were together, in person. She was so close to me. I can smell Her perfume, hear Her breath, feel Her skin.
It has been nearly four hours since I sent Her that poem, one that I posted here. Will She ever reply?
Has She decided, “Oh, no! I am not going back there again!”
Has Her intuition, always strong, told Her, “Leave that girl alone! She is nothing but trouble and heartache for You!”
Has a friend counseled Her to stay away from me?
Oh, She is the strong one right now. For months it has been me, but as always, I cave at the last moments. Now She is the strong person, not giving in to my pull.
Damn. I want Her to respond.