When we first shared our feelings for each other (She went first; I was a bit reluctant, sort of), I spent the next day wondering who I was. My illusion of myself had been shattered. The dust from under the rug had billowed out into the open. I spent the day with my family, at least in body. My mind was trying, unsuccessfully, to wrap my mind around what had just happened.
At first, it was kind of an adventure. But my brain wasn’t working enough to enjoy it. Some of that had to do with the fact that We stayed up late (or until early morning) talking online about Us. By the end of the day, reality, or what was my reality 24 hours earlier, hit me.
Oh, god. I have to get out of this somehow. This is ridiculous. What am I going to do?
I was distant from Her that night when we talked online, and, as would be always, She could tell.
I don’t think I slept that night, worried about myself. I meditated in the morning and asked, “What can I do about this? What have I done?” I saw a picture of my heart, big, glowing bursting with love. There were no words, but I knew that this was an image of my true heart, full and undivided, able to love fully.
Then, I saw a picture of my heart split in two, shriveled up and dying. I knew this was my divided heart, telling me that this could only end poorly.
I wrote Her an email draft on some paper, wanting to get it right, gentle, sincere, authentic, sharing with Her these images that had come to me. While I was sleeping (or trying to), She emailed me, letting me know She understood if this was too hard for me, and apologizing for putting me in this position. I was so grateful. I sent her my email, modified to address hers, and we moved forward…
…for about two days. Then We just kept talking together as if there had been no warning from the Universe about the inevitably of our separation.
We spent months–over a year–growing closer and closer, before, during and after Our meeting in person. Ah, such lovely moments together!
Throughout this time, I played an unintentional game with her of “Come Closer, Go Away”. Why She was so tolerant of this for so long, I have no idea. She is a wise, understanding and compassionate person, that’s why. And I know She loved me. My guess would be that She still does in some form or another. She’s just that kind of person.
So my last “Go Away” was Hers, too. She realized that She was being very codependent with me. And, She was. I would say I wanted to be with Her always, then feel guilty, ashamed and even depressed after a few days and recant.
It really was as if I had not two hearts, but one heart, split right in half, bleeding all over the place all the time. For over a year, I had two lives: one with Her, and my other life. Even though there was geographical distance between Us, I would feel Her so close to me. I would ask Her, “What were you thinking of at 2:00 PM my time today?” and She would say, “Oh, I was thinking about you, and here is what I was thinking…” It was as if there was nothing that separated Us. She was real, close, in an entire half of my heart.
There was another day when I was walking around, hardly able to see what was in front of me. What I was seeing clearly was Her introducing me to Her friends, coworkers and family in Her country. It was the strangest thing, as if Her world were more vivid to me than my own, hundreds of miles away. When I shared it with Her, She said, “There is a reason for that. All day long I have been thinking of you being her with Me.”
I really did (do) love Her so, so, so much. But I couldn’t leave my husband, my family, my career, not just for me but for the others involved. I know I hurt Her many times when I would tell Her I needed to be just friends. She would be kind, but also honestly shared Her feelings about it.
It was very much like renditions you read about mistresses. She was my Mistress. How strange to think of Her that way, because I never did. But She was. And I was married. And just like those renditions in which the man says to the mistress, “I will leave my wife and kids for you,” but then never does, that was me. I wouldn’t have tolerated it, if I were in Her position. Why did She? I’m not so great as all that.
Well, I think I know: It was because together, We were great. We had so much fun. We would have been great together, if maybe We had met 20 years earlier…although my rug was pretty well sealed around the edges 20 years ago, so maybe this was the only ripe time that existed for the two of Us.