Blood and Fire, Indigo Girls

To go with my last post…A bit overkill, but who doesn’t love this song? Enjoy!

Blood And Fire

I have spent nights with matches and knives,
Leaning over ledges, only two flights up.
Cutting my heart, burning my soul.
Nothing left to hold,
Nothing left but, blood and fire.

You have spent nights, thinking of me,
Missing my arms, but you needed to leave.
Leaving my cuts, leaving my burns,
Hoping I’d learn.

Blood and fire
Are too much for these restless arms to hold.
And my nights of desire are calling me,
Back to your fold.
And I am calling you, calling you from 10,000 miles away
Won’t you wet my fire with your love, babe?

I am looking for someone, who can take as much as I give,
Give back as much as I need,
And still have the will to live.
I am intense, I am in need,
I am in pain, I am in love.
I feel forsaken, like the things I gave away.

Blood and fire
Are too much for these restless arms to hold.
And my nights of desire are calling me,
Back to your fold.
And I am calling you, calling you from 10,000 miles away
Won’t you wet my fire with your love, babe?

I am intense, I am in need, I am in pain, I am in love.
I am intense, I am in need, I am in pain, I am in love.
I am intense, I am in need, I am in pain, I am in love.

Blood and fire
Are too much for these restless arms to hold.
And my nights of desire are calling me,
Back to your fold.
And I am calling you, calling you from 10,000 miles away
Won’t you wet my fire with your love, babe?

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Love, Courage, and Fire

Image
No, not silly at all!
She recognize the child
She loves as much inside you
She she also fears
That for being such a young child
You play with dangerous things.
Do you really think that 
You are prepared For what
You are looking for?
You are naive or are you not?
If not, are you trying to play with fire?
Are you prepared to play the fireman
If the house burn inside?
I do not believe you are, are You?
Ah beautiful child,
Why have  you had to rebirth from the ashes?
       ~ Her

That was the poem She wrote to me, in Her sweet English, after my 101 emails to Her while She was away. It was one piece of the sparse response I received from Her.

She’s right, you know. I have been playing with fire–a hot, passionate Fire–that I’m not prepared to put out once it has its way. I won’t leave my family for Her, even if there are moments that I would drop everything to go to Her. Overall, I won’t.

I promised Her I would not pull on Her again, yet I did. So unfair.

In one of our “Go Away” times, She scolded me for not being courageous enough to acknowledge my feelings, my heart, my desires and leave for Her. In some ways, She was right. And, my feelings did indeed become more public than I preferred, when my husband found our emails to each other. He would have let me go to Her.

But I said no. And this is where She was wrong. It is easy to be with Her. My kids aren’t around, my husband’s needs aren’t around, even my career was set aside during those beautiful days I was with Her. That was easy. No one knew but She and I that We were sharing the best moments of Our lives together. It was so easy, so lovely.

No, that wasn’t courageous. Amazing, but not courageous.

What takes courage is for me to look at my children and realize I need them more than they need me, and that perhaps losing me would alter their life course in some devastating way.

It takes courage to be my husband’s wife, to live up to his expectations that I do the best I can for myself in this life I have been given. He doesn’t need me to be perfect. He needs me to honor myself.

And that takes courage.

Here’s the deal: I had a choice of two wonderful lives: One with Her, and one with my family.

Choosing one, I lose the other. Neither one is better than the other, although my best-friend-who-is-also-a-lesbian would think I was losing part of myself if I chose to let Her go. But if it was appropriate to ask my children, what would they say?

No, I have said before, I don’t have the constitution to do both. She now knows everything I wanted her to know all these months, why I blocked all contact with Her. The last two weeks has been pent-up anxiety splashing all over these pages. It’s out. It’s done.

Her small response to my huge outpourings tells me She is done, too. I gave Her 101 opportunities to be strong. She gave me 101 opportunities to release Her.

I will never find anyone like Her again, and I certainly won’t go looking. Perhaps I will keep my pseudonym email, just to keep in contact with Her, to see how She is doing. I just won’t check it everyday. It’s too disappointing.

Time to courageously let go. She’s right. I am naive. No more fire.

 

Past, Present and All of Eternity

I am all welled-up with gratitude for You today.

No matter what happens, or doesn’t,

Nothing can take away this love.

No one can remove from my mind, heart or Soul

The sweet memories of Being with You.

Yours will always be my favorite lips.

Yours will always be my most cherished arms.

Yours will always be the sweetest smile

That means so many things all at once.

You have given me such gifts of love

You have been the One to Whom

My heart has been fully open.

You have taught me True Love

You have blown my heart wide open

No one else could have achieved such a feat.

You reached inside and pulled out my heart

Reminding me I still had one there.

You are a gift, my treasure for lifetimes,

My treasure today

My treasure for all time.

Thank You for Helping Me Clean out my Closet

Today I am feeling grateful and uplifted.

She is still away on Her training, but managed to check a few of the 67 emails I have sent to Her while She has been there. She can only check and reply from Her phone, after hours of all day training. The least I can do is cut Her some slack. She’s typing with Her sweet thumbs, for Christ’s sake.

What a gift it has been that She has been unavailable this weekend. I have poured my heart out here. I have poured my heart out to Her in emails. I have embarrassed myself in both places.

But today, I feel a freedom. Her unavailability has given me the “loneliness time” I needed to reflect in spite of my blubbering all over the place.

When I first began this blog, my intention was to release Her. Then all my deepest, unresolved feelings for Her rose to the surface like birds let out of a cage. It was messy. It was painful. It was filled with longing, willfulness, selfishness.

I began to think this blog was not such a good idea, that it has just reinforced how much I want Her.

Perhaps it did. But it was what I was feeling anyway. I had been trying to hide those feelings to spare my husband any more hurt. Trying to hide it from myself, lest I run back to Her again, only to say, “No, no, I can’t”, even if I did want to.

But today I feel a peace, an acceptance, that I have not felt any of the times We said good-bye. I feel so grateful for Her, so grateful to Her. I know I always will. I will always, always, always love Her.

I don’t know what more I will be writing here. I don’t know what else to say. Maybe there will be more, once She responds to even a few of my 100 emails to Her.

But for now, I’d like to thank you. First, the writer(s) of Mabel and Evelyn. You won’t ever know how much your story has affected me. Even if my ending is different from yours, your courage, integrity and love have been important to me this past week. You both are in my heart, despite the fact that we don’t know each other. But I feel like you have been my companions this week.

I’d like to thank my husband, for his forgiveness, acceptance and willingness to go forward. I’m obviously not an easy person to live with, but he still wants me around, so…Thank you.

I’d like to thank Her more. But that deserves its own post.

Today, I am glad I started this blog. I had a closet to clean out. Sometimes cleaning out the closet makes more of a mess than just leaving the door closed. But it’s always worth it. Then we can find things when we need them, like love, friendship, memories, open hearts.

messy-closet-21

Thank you for reading these entries, indulging my madness. Thank you for your compassion that I felt when you “liked” a post. You validated my feelings more than I tend to do for myself. I am grateful. Thanks for helping me clean out my closet this week.

I Believe in Love

The video She sent me after our previous good-bye. Words so true, of Her, of me, of Us.

Enjoy ~

When we tried to rework all of this
Each to her rendition
Painted ourselves in a corner
Lost for ideas blindly fishing
For a compliment or kindness
Just to bring us into view
But you could not interpret me and I could not interpret you

I remember that cold morning when the trees were black with birds
I tried to make out some connection
We were at a loss for words
After all that we’ve been through
I could not see giving up
Despite the picture of our coffee growing colder in the cups

I want to say that underneath it all you are my friend
And the way that I fell for you I’ll never fall that way again
I still believe despite our differences that what we have’s enough
And I believe in you and I believe in love

So we went rolling on down through the years
Taking time off we could steal
Until the thief of things unreconciled
Stuck it’s stick into the wheel
Now we’re tumbling in a freefall
No one’s gonna go unscathed
But it’s not because you held back and its not how I behaved

I want to say that underneath it all you are my friend
And the way that I fell for you I’ll never fall that way again
I still believe despite our differences that what we have’s enough
I believe in you and I believe in love

There are avenues and supplements and books stacked on the shelf
Labyrinths of recovery in search of our best self
But most of what will happen now is way out of our hands
So just let it go and see where it lands

I want to say that underneath it all you are my friend
And the way that I fell for you I’ll never fall that way again
I still believe despite our differences that what we have’s enough
I believe in you and I believe in love
I believe in you and I believe in love

Krishna, Arjuna and My Broken Heart…or, Eject, Obsess, Love

So, while She was gone,  I promised to send Her 100 emails. She is not responding to my passionate advances, but is responding in Her characteristic gentleness and compassion. I was naive and inconsiderate (read: stupid) to expect anything else.

Last night I had a vision during meditation. It felt great nine hours ago, but this morning…not so much.

Here is the vision, shared with Her in email number 38:

bhagavad-gita-35

My heart is aching this morning. I went to sleep last night, prepared to let you go once again. Not altogether, but enough to free you. A vision came to me: In the Bhagavahd Gita, Krishna talks to Arjuna about the inevitability of war against his family members. Arjuna doesn’t want to hurt his family, but Krishna says he must. Krishna gives Arjuna a choice between having on his side the strongest of warriors, or Krishna’s help. Arjuna wisely chooses Krishna, and of course, wins the war. Within me, my feelings for you, my oh-so-human feelings, are represented by Arjuna’s family members. The battle is imminent. Krishna is my Soul, and my Soul Love for you. That will always win. I can’t release you altogether. I have tried for nearly half a year. I just don’t want you out of my life, if you can at all stand that.

Someone remind me…Didn’t I write in my first entry that this blog was about releasing Her? I was trying to evacuate these feelings from my heart and soul. I thought projecting them onto this screen and having them lost in cyberspace would get Her out of me. I felt like the cat in the Pepe Le Pew cartoon–do you remember it? She was always trying to get away from his stink.

pepe

For six months I have been trying to release these feelings, but managed only to suppress them. Then, as I wrote about Her, how lovely She is, all those feelings rose to the surface as if only yesterday We said good-bye.

Now, She hesistates. And understandably so. She is intelligent. She sees the situation. How has it changed? I am still married. I can’t leave my family for someone thousands of miles away. Or, I haven’t been willing to.

I was so excited to be talking with Her again. I feel so happy around Her, even if that means (mostly one-sided) email conversations. My repressed feelings blew up all over. I acted as if nothing ever happened. She is being the strong One. She is being the wise One.

“Eject, Obsess, Love” has been my version of “Eat, Pray Love.” I have to accept this deep love for Her, even my desire to be with Her physically, sexually, closely. I have to neither reject those feelings nor act them out all over the place. The balance is to be with them, share them with Her, and be satisfied to still have my Very Best Friend.

I wish I could just cry until the pain goes away. I am not just releasing Her, but this whole side of me that loves being with a woman. It’s a big door to close.

OPENING-INNER-DOORS

The Creation of Lilith, Revisited

(Inspired by this past week, reconnecting with Her and cracking a rib in the midst of it. Both really hurt.)

Then God looked around and saw what He created. And He said that it was good.

But after a while of watching the wild things hunt, eat and procreate, God became bored.

From the dust and the dirt, He created Adam, and He called Adam good enough.

Adam wandered the meadows and the hills quite aimlessly, not knowing what to do.

God saw this and felt great love for His creation and said, “My son, I see that you are not quite knowing what to do with yourself. I shall give you a companion who will be different from you, that you shall together be entertained by those differences, complimenting each other for all your days together.”

“Yeah, that’d be cool,” replied Adam.

“Just one thing, I shall create your companion from a bone in your ribcage, close to your heart. Your companion will always feel your pull, feeling somewhat responsible for you, and always feels she belongs close to your side.”

“Yeah, okay,” replied Adam.

So God created a companion for Adam from a bone close to Adam’s heart. He saw what He created and said that it was good. God was quite impressed with Himself.

Adam was so happy. He showed Eve around the world and pointed to unnamed creatures and they were entertained. Adam more so than Eve.

Eve became restless and hungry.

She saw a tree that bore the most beautiful fruit, and it attracted her.

A snake in the tree called out to her, “This is the flavor you have been waiting for your entire existence. Come, have a bite.”

Eve replied, “I think I read somewhere that we were to stay out of this tree…but I think you are right. I know I have been waiting for something all of my life; perhaps this is what it is. I must try it.”

Eve took a bite of the fruit, and indeed it was good.

Suddenly, Adam came to her and said, “I feel a bit exposed.”

Thus they became aware of their differences, and realized there might be a purpose for it.

Soon, a child was born, then another.

Eve took care of the children, while Adam went off during the day naming things. His job was quite interesting to Eve, until he got to amoebas and shit, when it became quite tedious.

Eve began to dread Adam’s coming home each night. He would be all a-chatter, barely asking her how her day went with the boys. He could fix things just fine, but Eve wanted more.

Eve went to God and said, “I get the impression that you are a little ticked about the whole fruit-eating thing, but I need some guidance.”

And God replied, “No worries, Eve. I knew you would eat from it. That’s why I told you not to. Much more enticing that way, you know, to move things along a bit. You can’t be created from a rib and not have a little spunk in you. Proceed, My child.”

“Well, it’s not that I don’t appreciate Adam and all he does for our family, but…”

“Ah, yes, he can be a bit dull and self-occupied, can’t he? I noticed that from the beginning. That’s why I created you, hoping to get him out of himself sometimes.”

“Well, he can do that…”

“Oh yes,” chuckled God, “but only when he wants sex, right?”

“Well, yes,” said Eve shyly, with a hint of annoyance.

“Hm,” God thought for a moment. “What you need is a girlfriend.”

“A girlfriend? What is this girlfriend?” asked Eve.

“A companion for you. Someone who understands you, knows about your thoughts before you even speak them. Someone who knows how to love you, because she will be a woman as well.”

“Sounds lovely. Let’s have it then. You need a rib for her, too?”

“No, no,” said God. “I never like to do the same thing twice. Besides, you need all your ribs, for your children and grandchildren will endlessly be climbing all over you. No, no bones from you. Let’s see…Well, she will have to have the essence of you…Oh, I’ve got it. Instead of taking a rib, I will only crack it a bit, taking the energy from the crack, while leaving the bone. Are you ready?”

“Um, will it hurt?”

“Terribly, but most days, you won’t even notice.”

“Well, okay,” Eve agreed.

With a loud cry of pain, there was a great light and wind. Eve opened her eyes and saw what God created and said that it was good.

God called His new creation Lilith, after a flower with a sweet smell that Adam had named.

While Adam was at work, Eve and Lilith talked and talked and talked. They laughed together, appreciated God’s nature together, and seemed to have the same thoughts and be synchronized in every way. Their love grew.

One day, Lilith asked Eve to lay with her. Eve felt it was a natural extension of all that they were sharing, and agreed. It was most wonderful.

Lilith began to feel restless. Her eyes were always on the horizon.

“Come with me,” she said to Eve one day.

“I cannot,” replied Eve. “I am bound to Adam, and I have the children…”

“Bring them with you,” encouraged Lilith.

“I can’t. I can’t even explain why fully, but I cannot leave.”

Lilith remained a short while longer, then said to Eve, “Eve, I love you dearly and deeply, but I must go. I have to explore. I feel stifled here.”

And she left, leaving Eve with Adam, the children, and the pain in the cracked rib close to her heart as a constant reminder of what she no longer has.

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Is this What My Daughter Has in Store?

I awakened far too early this morning, thinking of Her. She is going away on a work training and won’t have even internet access. I sent Her several emails, none of which She responded to, except a brief signal. I have agreed to fool myself into thinking that She was too busy preparing for Her trip to be thinking of me, who has floated into Her life once again, full force.

I have been thinking a lot about other people who post here, and all the encouragement I have felt by it. I have especially been thinking about mabelandevelyn and the courageous step she is taking right now.

I have been thinking about what my life would be like if She lived close by, if She lived in the same country. We used to joke about how dangerous it would be if She were my neighbor, and how I would invite Her over for tea every day…and maybe We would get to the tea eventually.

But She is not close. She is very far away. I don’t want to leave for any woman. I’m certainly not in a hurry to leave my wonderful marriage and family. I love Her.

I have also been thinking about my daughter, who came out to me as bisexual about a month before She and I shared our true feelings for each other. I have been wondering, “Is this a struggle that lies before her, too?”

When she came out to me, she was scared at first to tell me. She didn’t need to be. Her dad and I have always been so open about our acceptance on this topic, and what we think about those who are intolerant. She didn’t want us to be upset.

Well, we were, of course. Not that we let her know that. But when it’s your own child, it’s just a shock, you know? You watch this adorable little soul learn and grow, and you get these ideas in your head of how this track will project into the future. Then, she tells you that your track is not hers after all.

I shared all of this with Her (not my daughter, but my Her), and She chastised me a little. “SO?” She said to me. I smiled, and said, “I know, I know.” But still, it was like my daughter never wore purple, never was interested in it, then suddenly, she was wearing it every day. And purple isn’t offensive to me, I just had to take time to adjust to seeing her in purple every day.

She had her first kiss from a girl. Now she likes a boy, an awkward, dense boy. Intelligent, but not realizing what a charm he has who is interested in him, the bonehead. I’d just as soon he stay that way, at least until she is 25 or 30.

The summer before she came out to us, I had nightmares–the wake up scared and sweating kind–that she had been raped, or was on drugs having sex with boys, or just having sex with boys. This recurred for three months. Each time I would awaken and say, “Ok, lady, get a hold of yourself. These are your fears about her becoming a young woman. It’s happening, and you have to come to terms with it.”

My processing madness served me well that time. I released her to the young woman that I have to let her become. I’m sure it helped me when she came out to me. There was somewhat of a relief about her not getting pregnant for now.

To my knowledge, she is not sexually active, but that’s what every parent thinks about their kid, right? I don’t want to think about my child being sexually active any more than I want to think about my parents having sex. It’s just not a place in my brain where I like to hang out.

So, missing Her so much this morning (so much, I held my pillow and imagined I was with Her, holding Her closely and tightly as We did for all those glorious nights when She was in town), and wondering, is this what’s in store for my daughter? That she will feel torn between loving a woman and a man? Or is she young enough and awake enough to have opportunities in relationships with men and women, so she can decide where she wants to end up?

I wouldn’t have been open to a relationship with a woman 20 years ago. I appreciated women. I enjoyed very much lesbian woman that I knew, the few at that time that were out where I grew up. And to be perfectly honest, I have always enjoyed hanging out with my lesbian friends far more than with straight women. They are truly boring.

But I never would have allowed myself that thought of being bisexual then. My daughter has the opportunity to, how do I say this? To “try before she buys.” I hope that would keep her from feeling torn one day, caught between two worlds.

Very Best Friend

Light of my Soul,

Very Best Friend,

Joy of my Heart

Beauty of to my Eyes,

I have pulled apart

the curtains of my heart,

Allowing You inside,

A Welcome Guest

Who has never left.

You know me.

There is no hiding from You.

Why would I want to?

Whay would I need to?

You are engulfing safety, warmth, purity.

How natural for my heart

To make my body want to

Hold you close to me!

A natural extension

Of this depth of love We share.

You are my Very Best Friend

In every cell of my body

In every thought in my mind

In every emotion pulsing through me

In my eternal Soul.

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She’s a Little Revolution

I’ll try to make this my last post for the day. I still haven’t heard from Her, but She is at work, after all (I wrote, hopefully, naively). This is another song that describes Her to me.

There are a few words I couldn’t make out. Let me know if you can tell what they are. I’d love to complete this song. Enjoy ~

Little Revolution
by Amy Ray

Got a girl so special
She makes the Fall turn Spring
I say “Everything is dying.”
She says “Everything is free.”

She’s got a real good equation
For the suffering I see
She says “The more you let it in,
Ah, the less it bleeds.”

She’s a little revolution
In my broken heart.
It’s like being born new
When it blows apart.

All the kids say “Ho-hum,”
They think I’m growing old
But I got a little secret
Makes me feel so bold

There’s a little Joe Strummer
In my DNA
And a little Lynnee Breedlove
To take me a long way

It’s a little revolution
in this heart of mine
And when everything blows up
It’s like a brand new rhyme

Bang, bang, bang
It’s You
Bang, bang, bang
You and I
Bang, bang, bang
…?
Bang, bang, bang
It’s the universe

Got a girl so special
She makes the Fall turn Spring
I say “Everything is changing.”
She says “Let it be.”

She’s a little revolution
In my broken heart
It’s like being born new
When it blows apart.

Bang, bang

Bang, bang

Bang, bang