Slow and Steady

Alas,
As much as I love this engagement,
It is back to the work at hand!
Back to my purpose and every day life
To be more like the turtle
Who notices not whether you notice him
Nor cares not whether you care about him
(In fact, he assumes you don’t!)
Nor worries about the opinions of others
Whether they like his shell
Or the way he swims in the water
(You might think he’s slow,
But he sees himself as quite efficient!)
It’s time for me to focus upon
The life right under my nose
The call within my heart
And the duties that I chose

(For you, Amada Minha, to honor your wishes ~)

~ When Love First Encountered Us ~

You are away
But my Love keeps flowing
In Your silence
My desire keeps growing

Have I lost my Love
Soul forever?
Or only for the time
It takes

To postpone what
Should flourish?
Should I fear?
Should I cry?

Shall I ignore
The inner promptings?
Within is a sensible
Self that knows

You
With trust of
One thousand lifetimes!
I am Yours

Eternally
Then, Now, Later
But Now would be
A refreshing drink

Of water from the
Universe where Love
First encountered Us
Assigning the burden

We carry now
Too heavy for even
Two Hearts who Love
This much

A Curious Exchange

Mysterious, indeed…

Forbidden Words
Where are you now, my beautiful lady?
My heart is missing yours
My lips miss your face
My eyes are searching for yours
Where are you now?
I have been thinking of you all the day,
Reading your letters and poems.
The notes you sent to me, hidden in a book.
Where are you my Divine Soul?
Where are you now?
I need you, I care for you.
I want you, come and rest in my lap.
Comfort me, holding my hands.
Relax me by hugging me.
Make me have dreams to hold to my future.
Let me give you my best
Just to see you laugh.
Good night my love, have nice dreams.

~ From Her, last night, in response to I Can Nearly See You

 

I am here, missing You so much!
I have felt each thought You’ve had
On my lips, my heart, my soul
How I want to comfort You by
Holding You all night,
Wrapped around You as
Perfectly as it happens for Us
I want to see Your smile–
Oh, that sexy smile of Yours as
You look at me from
The corner of Your eye
Laughing at me just for
Being so in love with You!
Forbidden Tower–yes! ahahaha
Forbidden Words–maybe
Forbidden Love? It can’t be true!
I love You, Beautiful Soul
Sweet dreams of me with You ~

~ From me, in response to Her

Curious, indeed…What is one to think?

Beijos

Olho, olho
Testa
Beijo minhas lágrimas ido
Bochecha, bochecha
Segure-me perto
Nunca diga adeus
Orelha, pescoço
Dedos, mão
Só para ter você perto
Em seus braços
Ao seu lado
Onde eu pertenço
Beije-me aqui
Beijá-lo lá
De mãos dadas
Beijo meus lábios
Ver-me sorrir
Beije-me mais
Seis horas
Mais tarde é
Hora de ir
Devemos separar?
Segure meu coração
Todo o caminho para casa
Sempre lá
Eternamente
Dentro de mim
Próxima vida
Alma Minha
Com Você eu serei ~

(Feliz aniversário, Amada Minha! Um outro dia especial — Seis horas de beijar! Shhhhh …)(Veja também abaixo da imagem…)

(Borboleta Minha, eu escrevi esse poema e agendado antes do meu insanidade temporária veio em cima de mim. Entendi não levá-lo para baixo, na esperança de que é agradávela com você. LUSM ~)

(English translation)

A Different Kind of Post

I’m taking this evening to share a bit differently here. It’s been a long time since I actually wrote something besides emoting through poems. I’ve been saving random writing for my other blog. There’s a poem coming out here in the morning–maybe you saw it before this one. This is a bit of the back story on it. I do have other poems scheduled this week, based on some photos I took today at our nearby pond–one where She and I spent some moments. They are coming.

I adore this Woman I have dedicated this blog to. I can only get Her out of my mind for short periods at a time. One of my favorite bloggers, Evelyn of MabelandEvelyn (I love them both), wrote a post one night out of her own frustration, then must have deleted it fairly quickly, since I couldn’t find it again shortly thereafter. I still read it four times before it was gone. It spoke to me about having courage to make moves in life that matter; to have courage to make choices in the face of other people’s opinions and feelings–as well as our own desire to not hurt others, even if it means giving up a part of ourselves. Sometimes, for love, we have to do all of the above. Hurt others, not on purpose, but because we have to let ourselves out of the box we’ve been suffocating in for far too long.

Have you experienced a love like this before? One so encompassing, no external circumstances seem to matter? I’m sure if my She were God, I’d be enlightened by now, I think of Her and adore Her so much.

The last day I saw my Her in person was April 6, 2012. (I have an anniversary poem already scheduled to be posted in the morning.) It was Her last day in the U.S. after our Week of Heaven together a few weeks earlier. She had spent the rest of the time with Her family who live near me. We were going to spend a nice, innocent day at the botanic gardens taking photos before I took Her to the airport. We had already agreed–well, She had graciously understood (again)–that I couldn’t be with Her anymore because of my family and the superhuman guilt that I carried. She was distant from me, understandably, the night before and I hated it, even if She was right to be, and trying to help me. Because that is how wonderful She is.

I had been crying all morning, having to hide it from my husband and children. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house to pick Her up. But my crying wouldn’t stop, and it wasn’t in my control. It came in bursts, I would breathe, calm myself, then it would start all over again. I didn’t want Her to see me crying. I wanted to be strong for Our last day together. I sat in Her room as She packed the last of Her things. The moment She finished and turned to me, I was already crying, silently so She wouldn’t see me. But She did.

She rushed to me and held me so tight as I cried and cried and cried on Her shoulder. I said to Her these words that are the truest words I have ever spoken, “I don’t know how to love anyone as much as I love You.”

She hugged me tighter and apologized for being so distant the night before. No need to apologize, of course; I understood. We didn’t know how to be with this shared love that is so strong, how to be friends after having been lovers. Then She kissed one of my eyes to comfort me. Then the other. And I knew it was over. We spent the next six hours before Her flight kissing and holding each other. It was the most divine day of my life.

Two years later, here We are, still figuring out how to be friends after having been lovers. Still sharing, still loving, and working hard to be okay with love as it is. We have tried everything else, short of me divorcing my spouse and leaving my children–which hasn’t been a viable option, even if a desired one many times over.

When I made that statement to Her, that I didn’t know how to love anyone as much as I love Her, I felt this insight. It wasn’t words, just a feeling of using my deep, patient, kind, joyful love for Her as a measuring stick for loving others. Am I loving others as deeply as I love Her? Am I being as patient and kind? As present with them as I am so easily with Her? Am I allowing that joy to be with the love I give? It’s a tough lesson, a serious practice, and mine to do.

I can’t be everything to everyone. I wish I could. I wish I could do what is mine to do here, and be with Her, too. I wish being with Her was my only option. For reasons too many to explain here, it’s not. And it hurts. It would hurt to leave, and it hurts to stay and be away from Her.

I want to learn to experience the Love that I feel with Her with each person as much as I can. Nothing will be what I have with Her. But I want to experience that Love as Love for all, starting with my family. I want to cherish every minute with them. And with that great Love, I want to also Love and honor mySelf.

Thanks for reading and allowing me the space for this release.

Her Wise Response Melts Me, Reveals Me

Here is Her beautiful, wise response to my last post:

Petals just flow with the wind
Reaching new lands while
Shells stay on the sand
Sometimes are taken
by the ocean waves
Returning to home
Against their will.
To return home
Just “a let it be”
Because Wave
Are easy to face
they come and go
If you don’t fight them
They cause you no harm
No harm on your shape, your Persona
But them You miss the petals that was around
And you start to feel an inner wave of missing feelings
Bigger than the ocean waves that reach the shores
Those are your real being, your wish to live
These can drawn you into “comfortable socially accepted” sadness
Inside you feelings of rage and impotence coming in short
But strong waves, devastating waves that you have to deal with.
They keep you in a wilderness land inside you, arid land
And you do not show it to nobody, but to her!
You want the flower to be near to calm the feelings
You feel inside, in the innermost of your Soul
But there is no more flower but petals
That wind blows away, leaving them
Unable to give you any help
There is nothing petals can do
To transform your wishes
They are yours
Your decision has nothing
That she can do.
She is calm
Sad, yes!
But calmly
Flying in
The wind
The breeze
Sent by God
To take her away
of the empty Shells
Till them can find their real way.

Ah, isn’t She amazing? Even when She points out my issues, my heart flutters. This is why I am so deeply in love with Her. 

But before my heart fluttered when I first read this, I cried. Her words opened my heart like a book and She read me as if in Her own language. She peeled me down to the deepest layer I have.

Ah, damn. She is right. I run from my grief of letting Her go. I do not want to. I want to be able to take care of my responsibilities as a wife, mother, career woman, and so forth–then come home to Her every night, share about Our day together, sleep in each Other’s arms, make love every morning, and go about our business. I want to be able to walk to Her house and visit Her every day.

When the pain of the grief comes up, starting below my stomach, shooting all the way up to my heart, I want to run to Her and have Her make it better for me, by reassuring me that She will always love me and will always be there. Not exactly a fair or permanent solution for either of Us.

In my last meeting today, I had a picture flash through my mind, around the time She sent an email to see if I was busy. It was of a woman crawling out of the ocean, crying, hand reached into the air, trying to grab something–or someone–who was no longer there. It was symbolic of my horrendous grief and fear of losing Her. I run from that pain, I know.

Would I really rather stay in this Please/I Can’t montanha russa, than face that pain, release it, and trust what I felt a couple weeks ago that Our love will be fulfilled some day? Part of me doesn’t trust it, doesn’t want to be patient. Ah, but it is patience and trust, or feel trapped where I am. Damn.

So, in Her poem this morning, She tore me open and revealed me to you more than I have been willing to in 42 posts since March. 

What can I say? Making peace with myself not easy.